and curiosity. Most importantly, Aphrodite instilled her with beauty and charm to make her irresistible.
They named her Pandora, which loosely translates as all the gifts, or the whole package. Some stories say Pandora was the first woman ever, and that before she came along, all humans were male. I don’t know. That sounds kind of lame and boring to me. At any rate, she was a perfect “10.” Aphrodite made sure of that. Pandora would be the gods’ ultimate weapon for making mischief.
The gods led Pandora to Epimetheus’s front porch, rang the doorbell, and ran away giggling. When Epimetheus opened the door, he saw this beautiful woman smiling at him.
“Hi, I’m Pandora, and I love you,” said Pandora. “Can I come in?”
“Yes,” said Epimetheus.
He totally forgot about Prometheus’s warning. No way could this gorgeous lady be part of some trick!
Epimetheus and Pandora got engaged faster than you can say “Vegas wedding.”
The gods weren’t invited to the ceremony, but Aphrodite dropped off a gift. Because it was addressed to Pandora, Epimetheus couldn’t refuse it.
It was a large ceramic pithos, a big storage jar, with a cork in the top and a large white silk bow tied around the handle.
“Oh, honey, look!” Pandora said. “It’s perfect for holding our olive oil!”
Epimetheus grunted, still suspicious. “I wouldn’t open it.”
“Your husband is right.” Aphrodite nodded earnestly. “No, Pandora…the jar is just for looking at. Never open it. You wouldn’t want to know what’s inside.”
After Aphrodite left, Pandora burned with curiosity. It wasn’t her fault—she was created to be curious. All she could think about was opening that jar.
Pandora managed to hold out for several days, but one morning, when her husband was out in the garden, she sat in front of the jar and stared at it, trying to imagine what was inside. Why would the gods send her a present and then tell her never to open it? That was just wrong!
“I have to see what’s inside,” she muttered. “Oh, this is going to be awesome!”
She pulled the cork.
It was not awesome.
Zeus had packed that jar with a gazillion evil spirits. They spewed out and spread across the world, bringing misery, sickness, athlete’s foot, famine, bad breath, and death to the human race. Suddenly being a human was a thousand times worse than it was before, and it had never been easy. Humans probably would’ve all killed themselves from despair—running off cliffs like crazy Athenian princesses—but one good spirit remained in the jar, maybe because Zeus had some sense of shame. Elpis, the spirit of hope, stayed with humans so they wouldn’t give up completely. They could always believe that things might get better.
If you’ve ever wondered why humans suffer so much, it’s because of that stupid jar. At which point we’re supposed to say, “Way to go, Pandora! Thanks a lot!”
Back in the old days, the writers (who were all guys) would say, “See? This story shows you that women are troublemakers! It’s all their fault!”
Epimetheus and Pandora. Adam and Eve. That blame game has been going on for a long time.
But I’m not sure why we’re criticizing Pandora for being nosy, or not following orders, or whatever. She was made to open that jar…by the gods.
My real question: what was Aphrodite thinking? If she knew this whole Pandora thing would give women a bad rep for eternity, why did she go along with it? Me, I think she just didn’t care about the consequences. She wanted to make Pandora beautiful. She wanted to prove that love could succeed where the other gods had failed—even if it caused a global disaster.
Way to go, Aphrodite. Thanks a lot!
To be fair, her creations didn’t always turn out so bad.
Once Aphrodite took pity on this sculptor named Pygmalion, who lived on Cyprus, her favorite island. This dude wasn’t interested in the local women, because they all seemed crude and rude to him. They’d go out with anybody who had money and a nice chariot. They didn’t believe in true love. In fact, a lot of them didn’t believe Aphrodite existed, and that made Pygmalion angry. He was proud of his “hometown” goddess, even though he hadn’t found his one true pairing (OTP) yet. He definitely believed there was someone perfect out there for everyone.
In his spare time, Pygmalion carved a life-size ivory statue of Aphrodite—because she was his ideal of what a woman should be.
He made the statue so beautiful that it brought tears to his eyes. As far as Pygmalion was concerned, all other