Athena came to cradle the child. She was raging mad, but since she couldn’t scold the princesses, seeing as they were dead, and all, she took out her vengeance on their dad, King Kekrops. Once Erikthonius grew up, he kicked out Kekrops and took over as king of Athens. That’s why the Athenian kings liked to say they were descended from Hephaestus and Athena, even though Athena was an eternal maiden.
So don’t tell me Athena can’t have kids, because there’s the story that says otherwise. Besides, I’m dating one of Athena’s daughters, and I’m pretty sure she didn’t spring from a dirty handkerchief.
Hmm. Actually, I’ve never asked her.
Nah, forget it. I don’t want to know.
YOU GOTTA LOVE APHRODITE
NO, SERIOUSLY. That’s an order. See, Aphrodite had a magical belt that could make anyone fall in love with her on sight. If you saw her and she wanted you to love her, you would.
Me, I’m lucky. I’ve seen her, but I guess she wasn’t interested in winning my praise or whatever. So I still hate her guts.
Some of you are thinking, OMG! She’s so pretty! Why do you hate her?
Clearly, you haven’t met the lady.
She was trouble from the moment she crawled out of the sea. And I mean she literally crawled out of the sea.
Aphrodite didn’t have parents. Way back when Kronos dumped the chopped-up bits of Ouranos into the sea, the sky god’s immortal blood mixed with the salt water and formed a frothy patch that solidified into a goddess.
In other words, Aphrodite was born in the wake of the first murder, which tells you something about her true nature.
After drifting through the Mediterranean for a while, looking for a good place to come ashore, she finally decided on the island of Cyprus. This was a relief to the dolphins and fish, because the floating naked goddess with the glowing aura was starting to freak them out.
Aphrodite rose from the sea and walked across the beach. Flowers blossomed at her feet. Birds gathered in the nearby branches to sing sweet songs. Little bunny rabbits and squirrels and ferrets and other critters frolicked all around her. It was like a Disney cartoon.
Describing Aphrodite is hard, because she was the most beautiful woman in creation. That could mean different things to different people. Blonde, brunette, or redhead? Fair complexion or dark? Blue eyes, green eyes, brown eyes? Take your pick. Just picture the most attractive woman you can possibly imagine, and that’s what she looked like. Her appearance would change to appeal to each person who gazed upon her.
That day, the three Horai, the goddesses of the seasons, happened to be meeting on Cyprus—maybe planning which products would get placed in the “seasonal” aisle at the grocery store. I’m not sure.
They saw Aphrodite walking toward them and completely forgot everything else.
“Oh, wow, you’re beautiful!” said Summer.
“I am?” asked Aphrodite, though she already knew it. She just wanted to hear them say it.
“Dazzling!” said Spring. “We should take you to meet the Olympian gods.”
“There are other gods?” Aphrodite was amazed. “I’m the goddess of love and beauty. What would you need other gods for?”
Autumn and Spring exchanged a wary look.
“Uh…a bunch of stuff,” Autumn said. “But we should get you dressed before we take you to Olympus. Aren’t you cold?”
“No,” Aphrodite said. “Why would I cover myself?”
Autumn wanted to scream: Because you’re too freaking gorgeous and you’re making the rest of us feel bad!
Instead she said, “If you appear like that, you’ll drive the gods insane with desire. I mean…they will literally go insane.”
“Oh.” Aphrodite pouted. “But I didn’t bring a thing to wear.”
The Horai took care of that. They summoned up some magical clothing and had a fashion show. Spring offered Aphrodite an Easter Bunny costume. Autumn thought Aphrodite would look good as a Halloween witch. Those plans were vetoed. Finally Summer produced a beautiful white gossamer dress. The Horai placed a delicate golden crown on Aphrodite’s head, hung gold earrings in her ears, and draped a gold necklace at the base of her throat.
Aphrodite looked even more amazing with clothes on, which Autumn found infuriating; but the seasonal goddess forced a smile. “Perfect! Let’s get you to Olympus.”
By now you probably know enough about the Olympian gods to figure out what happened when Aphrodite showed up.
The women were immediately, like: I hate her.
The guys fell all over themselves, tripping on their tongues and trying not to drool.
“It would be my honor to marry you,” said Apollo, god of poetry and