tabloid news for like a thousand years.
Did they live happily ever after?
HAHAHAHAHA. No.
Aphrodite stayed away from her husband as much as possible. They never had any kids. Aphrodite had plenty of children…just not with Hephaestus. Immediately after getting married, she started an affair with Ares, the god of war, which became the worst kept secret on Mount Olympus.
When she wasn’t busy sneaking around behind her husband’s back, Aphrodite spent her time making all the other gods and mortals miserable—uh, I mean, helping them discover the joys of love!
Aphrodite took her place among the Olympians as the goddess of beauty, pleasure, sweet-talk, telenovelas, steamy romance novels, and (of course) love. When she had to travel, she rode in a golden chariot pulled by a flock of snowy doves, though sometimes when the gods went to war, Aphrodite rode with her boyfriend Ares in his war chariot and even held the reins while he was busy killing people.
She had a bunch of attendants called erotes—miniature winged love gods. Their leader was Eros, son of Aphrodite, who was the god of physical attraction and Aphrodite’s hit man. Whenever she wanted somebody to fall madly in love, she sent Eros to shoot the poor schmuck with a magic arrow. Later on, Eros became known as Cupid. He still shows up on those cheesy Valentine’s Day displays. He might sound silly, but if Aphrodite sends him after you, it’s no joke. He can make you fall in love with anyone.
If Aphrodite likes you, she might cause you to fall for somebody attractive and nice. If Aphrodite is angry, she might make you fall in love with the most repulsive person you know, or a toy poodle, or a telephone pole.
Aphrodite’s favorite trick was to make someone fall in love with a person who didn’t love them back. She thought that was the best fun ever. If you’ve ever had a crush on somebody who didn’t notice you, that’s Aphrodite fault. I guess the goddess figured that way, more people would pray to her, like: Oh, please, let him/her notice me! I’ll sacrifice a nice box of chocolates to you, I promise!
Actually, they didn’t have chocolate in Ancient Greece, but Aphrodite was fond of apples. That was her sacred fruit, maybe because it was pretty and sweet, just like her. (Insert gagging sound here.)
She had dozens of other sacred plants and animals and stuff, some of which made sense; some not so much. The rose was one of her flowers, which is why we still use it as a romantic gift. She also liked daffodils, and…wait for it…lettuce. Yep. That incredibly romantic roughage was considered Aphrodite’s sacred salad ingredient. There’s a reason for that, which we’ll get to it in a second. But if someday you’re tossing a Caesar salad and you start feeling lovey-dovey as you shred romaine lettuce, now you’ll know why.
Aphrodite’s sacred stone was the pearl, since it comes from the sea, just like Aphrodite.
Her favorite animals were the rabbit (because they have lots and lots and lots of baby bunnies!) and the goose, which you’ll sometimes see pictures of Aphrodite riding sidesaddle.
Why a goose? Dunno. It must’ve been a big goose.
All I know is, if I ever saw Aphrodite riding one, I’d bust out laughing. Then she’d probably curse me, and I’d end up engaged to a ’72 Impala or something.
Aphrodite was a popular goddess because everyone wanted love, but she didn’t always get along with mortals or her fellow gods.
For instance, one time she got jealous of Athena because everyone was praising her weaving skills.
Aphrodite didn’t like it when the spotlight was on anyone except her.
“Oh, weaving is nothing,” Aphrodite said. “I could do that if I wanted to.”
“Really?” Athena smiled. “Care to challenge me?”
Never heard about the great weaving contest between Athena and Aphrodite? That’s because it wasn’t so great. It was a disaster.
The goddess of love knew nothing about weaving. She wasn’t Athena or even Arachne. She’d never made anything with her own two hands except trouble.
While Athena wove a beautiful tapestry, Aphrodite managed to get herself wrapped in thread, with her foot tied to the stool and her head stuck in the loom.
“I don’t like weaving, anyway!” she huffed as her husband Hephaestus cut her free.
From then on, Aphrodite tried not to criticize the other goddesses. In fact, she even helped them sometimes.
I mentioned her magical belt? Sometimes it’s called a girdle, because she would wear it under her dress so guys wouldn’t realize they were being bewitched.