But it wasn’t a girdle like one of those ugly fabric-and-steel wraps that squeeze the fat in. Aphrodite’s belt was a delicate sash embroidered with scenes of courtship and romance and beautiful people doing beautiful things. (Obviously, Aphrodite didn’t embroider it herself or it would’ve looked like a kindergarten project.)
Anyway, Hera once asked to borrow it, which took guts, considering they didn’t get along too well.
“Oh, dear Aphrodite,” Hera said, “would you do me a huge favor?”
Aphrodite smiled prettily. “Of course, my wonderful mother-in-law! After everything you’ve done for me? How could I refuse?”
Hera’s eye twitched. “Great. I’d like to borrow your magical belt.”
Aphrodite leaned in close. “Got a thing for some handsome mortal?”
“No!” Hera blushed furiously. She was the goddess of marriage. She never cheated! She managed to calm herself. “I mean…no, of course not. Zeus and I had an argument. He’s being impossible, refusing to talk to me or even be in the same room. But if I wore your belt—”
“You would be irresistible!” Aphrodite agreed. “Oh, dear mother-in-law, I’m so glad you came to me for help. I’ve been wanting to offer you some beauty tips for a while now, but I didn’t want to overstep my bounds. It must be hard being such a matronly goddess without looking…matronly.”
Hera gritted her teeth. “Yes, well…the belt?”
Aphrodite lent Hera the magic love girdle, and Hera had no trouble getting Zeus to make up with her. The way the poet Homer put it, she “beguiled his brain.” Personally, I don’t like having my brain beguiled. But in case you’re feeling bad for Zeus, don’t.
Occasionally, even he asked Aphrodite for help, and it wasn’t for anything beautiful or loving.
You remember back in the early days of mortals, the Titan Prometheus gave men fire? Well, even after Zeus punished Prometheus by chaining him to the rocks and giving him a liver-eating eagle for company, the lord of the sky was still angry.
He looked around for other people to punish. Then he decided: “You know what? I’ll just punish everyone. All mortals will suffer for accepting the gift of fire. And I’ll find some sneaky way to do it, so they won’t blame me for their problems. I’ll fix it so that they blame Prometheus’s family….That’ll make my revenge even sweeter!”
Turns out Prometheus had a younger brother, Epimetheus, who wasn’t exactly the sharpest crayon in the box.
Right before Zeus carted Prometheus off to Torture-ville, Prometheus had warned his brother, “Epimetheus, stay frosty. Zeus will probably try to punish you just because you’re related to me. Don’t accept any gifts from the gods!”
“Frosties?” Epimetheus said. “I like frosties.”
“You’re hopeless,” his brother grumbled. “Just be careful! I gotta go. I got this thing with a rock and an eagle….”
Zeus decided to send Epimetheus a booby-trapped present. If he could trick Epimetheus into opening the present, a bunch of evil spirits would escape and cause all kinds of trouble for mortals. The mortals would seek answers from the Oracle, like they always did. The Oracle would say, “Oh, it’s all Epimetheus’s fault.” And Zeus would have a good laugh.
The problem was, Zeus couldn’t get Epimetheus to accept any gifts. Epimetheus remembered his brother’s warning and refused to take packages from strangers or gods. Zeus sent Hermes to Epimetheus’s house with a Candygram. No luck. Hephaestus dressed up as a cable guy and offered Epimetheus a free HDTV box with all the premium sports channels. Epimetheus turned him away.
Zeus became so exasperated he complained to the other gods. “This guy, Epimetheus. I just want him to take a stupid present, open it, and unleash misery and death on the human race! Is that too much to ask? But he’s so stubborn! Any ideas?”
The gods shifted uncomfortably on their thrones.
Finally Aphrodite said, “Lord Zeus, perhaps you should try a different approach…something no man can refuse.”
“I already tried free cable!” Zeus said. “With the premium sports channels!”
“No, my lord.” Aphrodite batted her eyelashes. “I mean love. Perhaps Epimetheus needs a wife. If you could place a wife in his household, she could accept the gift you wish to send. If it’s all handled correctly—”
“I love this idea!” Actually Zeus hadn’t heard a word she’d said. He was too busy staring at her and thinking, Wow, she’s pretty. But all the other gods were nodding, so Zeus figured her plan must be good.
At Aphrodite’s direction, the gods created the perfect woman from scratch. Hephaestus provided the clay and the technical know-how to build her body. Athena gifted her with cleverness