“Hephaestus, I thought we’d decided not to tie each other up anymore. You’ve had your revenge. Now release them.”
Hephaestus glared at his father. “All right. Aphrodite can go…as soon as you repay all the gifts I made for her dowry. I don’t want her in my apartment anymore. I don’t want her in my life. She’s not worthy of being my wife.”
Zeus turned pale. Back in those days, if you wanted to marry a woman, you had to give her family a bunch of presents called a dowry. Since Aphrodite didn’t technically have a dad, Zeus had given her away, which meant he got all the cool Hephaestus-made swag. If Hephaestus demanded the dowry back, that meant the marriage was over. It also meant Zeus would have to give back the bronze toaster, the set of golf clubs, the plasma-screen TV, and a bunch of other fun toys.
“Uh…well,” Zeus said, “I suppose Aphrodite could stay in the net.”
“Zeus!” Hera chided. She didn’t like Aphrodite, but she also didn’t approve of goddesses being imprisoned.
“All right, all right,” Zeus said. “Hephaestus can have the dowry back. Aphrodite is officially kicked out of Hephaestus’s life.”
“Like she was ever in it,” Hephaestus muttered.
Poseidon still looked troubled. Despite his past differences with Ares, the two of them usually got along okay. He felt like he should speak up for the war god, since no one else would.
“You need to let Ares go too,” Poseidon said. “It’s only right.”
“Right?” Hephaestus bellowed. “He made me a fool in my own bedroom, and you want to talk about right?”
“Look,” Poseidon said, “I get it. But ask any price to settle the debt. I will personally vouch for Ares. He will pay it.”
Ares made a whimpering sound, but he didn’t dare object. The golden net was really starting to chafe his delicate skin.
“All right,” Hephaestus said. “If Poseidon guarantees payment, I’m good with that. I want a hundred wagonloads of the best armor, weapons, and war spoils from Ares’s fortress, and I get to pick the stuff.”
That was a punishing price, because Ares loved his spoils of war, but he nodded in agreement.
Hephaestus let the two lovers go. As he expected, the story got told and retold around the Olympian dining table for centuries, so Ares and Aphrodite were the butt of everybody’s jokes. Aphrodite and Hephaestus never lived together again. Were they technically divorced? I don’t know. But it’s not like they were ever married in anything but name.
Afterward, Hephaestus felt free to have relationships with other women. He had kids with a lot of them. Also, from then on he hated the children Aphrodite and Ares had had together, even if they didn’t deserve it….
Case in point: Harmonia. I mentioned her before. She was the minor goddess who became a mortal and married that king Cadmus, and later they both got turned into snakes.
As if that wasn’t enough bad luck for one lifetime, Harmonia also got a cursed wedding present from Hephaestus. He hated her, because she was a constant reminder of Aphrodite’s affair with Ares. Not like that was Harmonia’s fault, but hey, even the nicer gods like Hephaestus could be jerks.
When Harmonia married Cadmus, Hephaestus made her a golden necklace as a wedding present. It was the most beautiful piece of jewelry you can imagine, all dripping with precious jewels in delicate golden lace, but it was also hexed with some serious juju. It brought bad luck to Harmonia (which is kind of obvious, since she got turned into a snake), but it also got passed down to her descendants. Everyone who wore that necklace for generations had some horrible tragedy happen to them. We won’t go into the details, but it shows you that Hephaestus had a dark side. If you ever find one of his necklaces, be sure to check the engraving. If it says, Congratulations, Harmonia!, throw that thing away.
After Aphrodite, Hephaestus’s first rebound relationship was with this goddess named Aglaia. She was one of the Charities. And by Charity, I don’t mean Goodwill or the Salvation Army. The Charities were three divine sisters in charge of grace and pleasure. They served as Aphrodite’s handmaidens, so it must have really irritated Aphrodite when Hephaestus started dating one of them.
Like, Yeah, I dumped you, and I’m going out with your handmaiden. Deal with it.
Anyway, Hephaestus and Algaia had a several godly daughters.
Then Hephaestus dated a bunch of mortal princesses and had a slew of demigod kids who became kings of this or that