on Olympus most of the time—but not always.
For instance, one time her sister Demeter got so mad at her brothers, she almost caused World War Zero….
DEMETER TURNS INTO GRAINZILLA
OH, YEAH. DEMETER!
Try not to get too excited, because this chapter is all about the goddess of wheat, bread, and cereal. Demeter just flat-out rocks when it comes to carbohydrates.
I’m not being fair to her, though.
Sure, she was the goddess of agriculture, but she had other things going for her. Among the three eldest goddesses, she was the middle sister, so she combined Hestia’s sweet personality with her younger sister Hera’s knockout hotness. Demeter had long blond hair the color of ripe wheat. She wore a crown of woven corn leaves—not a fashion statement most people can pull off, but she managed. She liked to adorn herself with poppies, which often grow in fields of grain—or so I’m told. I don’t go walking in a lot of grain fields.
A dark robe covered her bright green dress, so whenever she moved, it looked like fresh plant shoots breaking through fertile earth. She smelled like a rainstorm over a field of jasmine.
Since Hestia decided never to get married, Demeter was the first goddess who seriously drew the attention of the guy gods. (Hera was beautiful too, but her attitude…well, we’ll get to that later.)
Not only was Demeter good-looking, but she was also kindhearted (mostly), she knew how to bake awesome bread and cookies, and she cut a surprisingly warlike figure wherever she went. She rode a golden chariot pulled by twin dragons. At her side gleamed a gold sword.
In fact, one of her Greek names was Demeter Khrysaoros, meaning the Lady with the Golden Blade. Sounds like a good title for a martial arts movie. According to some legends, her blade was actually the scythe of Kronos, which she reforged into the world’s most deadly harvesting tool. Mostly she used it for cutting wheat, but if she got angry enough, she could fight with it….
Anyway, the guy gods all liked her. Zeus, Poseidon, and Hades all proposed marriage, but Demeter turned them down flat. She preferred to roam the earth, turning barren plains into fertile fields, encouraging orchards to bear fruit and flowers to bloom.
One day, Zeus got persistent. He had just divorced Themis and hadn’t remarried yet. He was lonely. For whatever reason, he fixated on Demeter and decided he absolutely had to get with her.
He found her in a field of wheat (no surprise). Demeter yelled at him to go away, but he just kept following her around.
“Come on!” he said. “Just one kiss. Then maybe another kiss. Then maybe—”
“No!” she shouted. “You’re so annoying!”
“I’m the king of the universe,” Zeus said. “If we got together, you’d be the queen!”
“Not interested.” Demeter was tempted to draw her golden sword, but Zeus was the most powerful god, and people who opposed him got into a lot of trouble. (Cough, like Prometheus, cough.) Also, her golden chariot was parked way at the other end of the field, so she couldn’t just hop in and flee.
Zeus kept pestering her. “Our kids would be powerful and amazing.”
“Go away.”
“Hey, baby. Don’t be like that.”
Finally Demeter got so disgusted, she transformed herself into a serpent. She figured she could lose Zeus by hiding in the fields and slithering away.
Bad idea.
Zeus could transform into an animal too. He changed into a snake and followed her. That was easy, since snakes have a great sense of smell; and like I said earlier, Demeter had a very distinctive rainstorm-over-jasmine scent.
Demeter slithered into a hole in the dirt. Another pretty terrible idea.
Zeus slithered in after her. The tunnel was narrow, so once Zeus blocked the entrance, Demeter couldn’t get out. She didn’t have room to change form.
Zeus trapped her and wouldn’t let her go until…Well, use your imagination.
Months later, Demeter gave birth to her first child—a daughter named Persephone. She was such a cute, sweet baby, Demeter almost forgave Zeus for tricking her into reptile hanky-panky. Almost. They didn’t get married, and Zeus was a pretty neglectful dad; but still the little girl became the light of Demeter’s life.
More about Persephone in a sec…
I’d like to say that was the only time Demeter got into a bad situation with a man. Unfortunately, it wasn’t.
A few years later, Demeter took a vacation to the beach. She was walking along, enjoying the solitude and the fresh sea air, when Poseidon happened to spot her. Being a sea god, he tended to notice pretty