asleep for the last year or so. Ever since my life completely changed. Staying asleep is never an issue, but falling asleep is difficult. In the year that I’ve been here, I’ve done the same thing every night.
Before my life changed forever, I didn’t have a care in the world and slept like a baby every night. I did whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. Then I hit my mid-twenties and decided I needed to sow my wild oats. My mother had just passed away. She was older when she had me, and she died peacefully--as peacefully as you can with cancer--but it was hard on me and I didn’t want to face the pain. To say I engaged in high-risk behavior would be putting it lightly. Then I fell in love. Or rather, what I thought was love with an asshole named Lorenzo Passanova. I called him my Cassanova because I was a fucking idiot, high on lust and loving the risk that came with being with a man like him.
I thought being with him would be just like the books I love to read. Like I'd be living out the plot of a romance novel. I was a fucking idiot.
Meeting that asshole was the worst thing that ever happened to me. I didn’t even realize it until it was too late. He sucked me out of my safe little bubble into his world, and I felt alive for the first time in my life. But it was a mistake. A horrible fucking mistake.
When you play with fire, expect to get burned. Over and over, I’d heard my mother’s warning, but I ignored it. The first time it happened, I knew I'd seriously misjudged him. Lorenzo smacked me so hard across the face that I fell to the ground. Even worse, I eventually tried to sneak out and leave his ass behind, but ran into his familia beating the shit out of a guy. Bags of dope were scattered everywhere as they made their threats. That was it for me. I saw and heard too much. I ran like hell, but they got me. They cornered me and took me back to Lorenzo and then to their Don.
Lorenzo beat the hell out of me in front of them. He told them he’d keep me in line for now, so they didn’t have to kill me right then. His familia were cold-blooded murderers who wanted me dead. I'll never forget the looks in their eyes. Or the disgusting joy that filled Lorenzo's dark eyes when he would repeatedly hurt me. I had one chance to slip away, and I took it. I ran like hell and blabbed to the police so they'd protect me.
That’s what living on the edge got me. As a result, I’ve settled my ass down tremendously. And now I’m back to being the good girl my mother raised me to be. Being through that shit and getting placed in the witness protection program will do that to you.
So now I stay in my cozy house feeling alone but safe, and surround myself with comfort and familiarity. It’s different now; I’m more alone than I’ve ever been in my entire life, but at least I’m safe. The last time the marshals checked in on me was nearly three months ago. Now I’m on my own and settled in.
This screened-in porch is now my favorite room in this snug, raised ranch house.
My toes sweep across the soft and high pile of the rug beneath the wicker furniture set. Across from me I have my antique curio cabinet. It contains my large collection of teapots and cups. When I run a load of laundry, I can faintly smell it from here. I inhale deeply and my lungs fill with all my favorite scents.
But the best part is the location. I’m nearly half a mile away from anyone. My home is set back into the woods and I’m surrounded by trees. The moonlight shines down and tonight it’s full, illuminating the woods as though it’s nearly dawn. Usually my ritual helps put me at ease, but tonight it’s less familiar, less comforting.
The night air feels a bit colder on my shoulders, sending a shiver down my back. I wrap the cashmere throw tighter around myself, all the way up to my neck. I feel my forehead crease as I realize I feel someone’s eyes on me. The sensation freezes my body for a moment as the fear I had nearly