can and say, “I need answers for my own sanity.”
“You’re a cop, you think they’re going to give you anything?” He raises his voice as he continues to lay into me, “They’re not like me, Tonya. They aren’t going to treat you like I do.”
“So they aren’t going to fuck me and then toss me aside?” I’m so fucking bitter I can’t help but spit it out. I don’t feel any anger toward him, but apparently some part of me does.
“Is that what you want from them?” he asks.
“Fuck off, Thomas.” I start to close the door. I don’t have the energy for this. If he’s not going to help me, fine. If he doesn’t want to fuck me anymore, that’s fine, too.
Thomas stops the door and pushes it open so he can lean in. “What the fuck? You trying to piss me off, Officer Kelly?” I don’t like the way he’s saying my name. Like he’s asking if he’s talking to me or someone else, someone who he doesn’t trust. I’ve never been anything but honest with him.
“What do you want?” I ask with irritation coloring my voice, but I’m not irritated. I’m hurt. I want him to say, “You.” I want him to come in and take me. I want him to make everything better. And that realization makes me feel weak. It makes me feel sick to my stomach.
“I wanna come in and talk.”
“Now you wanna talk?” I shake my head and try to push down the bit of hope growing in my chest. It’s stupid. I shouldn’t be hoping. This can’t happen.
“You gonna let me in?” he asks, like I might actually say yes.
“No.” I shake my head and open my eyes, making sure to only look at his face. The thought of him coming in here only makes me want to test whether or not he can make my bed creak and groan like he did his. This is bad. Real fucking bad.
“Why the fuck not?” He sounds all pissed off.
“‘Cause I don’t have to, that’s why.” I'm flippant as I say it.
“Don’t push me, baby.” He narrows his eyes at me as he says it.
“I’m not your baby. I’m not your anything.” I at least have a little pride knowing that those words came out strong.
“With a mouth like that, right now you’re my bad girl. That’s all you are.” My pussy clenches at his words. I can’t help that it turns me on. But I have to remember that this can’t happen. This is wrong.
“Bad things will happen if you come in here.” I tell him the truth and regret it when his eyes heat with lust and his lips pull into a smirk.
“You want me that much? You really can’t control yourself?” he asks with a cocky grin.
It pisses me off. And I hold on to that anger so I can push him away like I know I should.
“Fuck you!” I grab the edge of the door and try to slam it shut, but his boot hits the door, blocking it.
For the first time ever in his presence, I feel scared. I don’t know why, but a sense of danger takes ahold of every part of me, and I race to get to my gun. I grip it with both hands and point it at him as he takes a step inside.
His eyes go wide when he sees the gun pointed at him. He raises both of his hands, “Whoa, baby, what are you doing? Put the gun down.”
My hands tremble slightly, and I feel so fucking insecure. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t trust anything that I’m feeling. My hand starts shaking. It’s never done that. I’ve always had control. But I’ve never been in this situation before, either. I don’t even know why I grabbed it.
“Hey, it’s alright.” He keeps his hands raised. “You really want me to go? I’ll go.”
I don’t know what I want. I slowly aim the gun down and keep my head down. I’ve fucked this up so fucking bad.
“I know I push you. I didn’t mean to threaten you though.” I watch in my periphery as he walks toward me like one would a wounded animal. And that’s exactly how I feel. I’m so fucked up. So worn out and torn.
“I’d never hurt you, Tonya.” I shouldn't believe him, but I do. He reaches out slowly and grabs my gun. I think about resisting, but I don't want to. He gently places