trying to make you feel like he was abandoning us either.”
Deacon gave me a look that felt very similar to the one I’d just given Em. I wasn’t sure I liked being on the receiving end of it. This whole really-being-seen, not-just-looked-at thing was kind of uncomfortable.
“I did spend a lot of time with Kim,” Deacon said slowly. “And her parents. That’s true. I’m not saying this to be a martyr or blame anyone, but I did feel like I had a lot of responsibility on my shoulders all of a sudden. Keeping the inn going. Keeping the three of us together, living at home. Kim’s family was stable, and kind, and they didn’t try to attach strings to their favors, like Eleanor.”
He sighed. “But I didn’t think about how that might have looked to you. I guess I can see how it might have felt like I was trying to leave or something.”
He leaned forward, setting his glass of whiskey down. “Connor, all I’ve ever wanted to be is your brother. That’s still all I want. If you’d let me.”
I could feel things crumbling inside me, shifting and realigning. It was unpleasant. Like lava flowing over my body. Volcanic soil was fertile. Things would grow from it eventually. But you couldn’t avoid the destruction that came first.
I looked at my brothers and then down at my drink. That burning feeling in my chest threatened to pull me under. Why, after all the shit that I’d done and said, did they still want to help me? Why, after seeing how angry and selfish and judgemental I was, hadn’t they just walked away?
I buried my face in my hands, not able to look at them anymore. Braced for Deacon to say something that stretched for wisdom, or for Em to be understanding. But they didn’t say anything. They just sat in silence and let me be.
Maybe that was why, for the first time, I felt like speaking.
“Julian and I got back together. Kind of. Until it fell apart.”
I glanced up to see Em and Deacon processing my words. I reached for my glass of whiskey and tossed it back in one gulp. Without asking, Deacon refilled my glass, and then his. Em was still nursing his first one.
“I’m sorry,” Em said. He looked truly pained. He’d always been good at empathy. Too good, if you asked me. He felt everything.
“It is what it is.” I took another sip of whiskey. “It’s over now, anyway.”
“Still, it can’t have been easy.”
I looked at Deacon, wondering when he was going to contribute something, and he gave me a hesitant look.
“You don’t have to talk about it. Obviously. But if you want to, do you mind telling us what happened?”
I bit back the knee-jerk reaction to tell him it was none of his business. If he could learn not to push quite so hard, maybe I could learn not to fight it. At least a little.
“The same thing that happened the first time,” I said heavily. “I wanted more than he could give. It’s my own fault. I should have known better.”
“How do you mean?”
“Julian’s never lied about what his priorities are. I just lied to myself. He’s not going to come out, and the worst part is, I get it. I think he’s wrong, but I get it.” I shook my head. “I just wish I’d never gotten involved with him again. There was only one way it could end, but I did it anyway, because I’m weak, and surprise, surprise—I got hurt.”
I clamped my lips shut after I heard my own words. I’d never said that out loud before. Not to anyone who wasn’t Julian himself. I wasn’t used to acknowledging that my feelings existed, much less talking about them.”
“I’m sorry,” Deacon said simply. “That sucks.”
I lifted my glass up. “Here’s to having your expectations met.”
I swallowed my whiskey down, and, to my surprise, so did Deacon.
Em’s eyes narrowed in thought. “Okay, stop me if it’s not my place, but like, why won’t Julian come out? Because of his dad?”
“It’s complicated.”
“Well, yeah. I assumed. But not that long ago, you were on Deacon’s case for being a hypocrite about not coming out. I’m just wondering why it’s different with Julian.”
“It just is. It’s not—it’s not just about his life. He’s trying to take care of other people and—fuck. It’s just a mess.”
Not for the first time, I wondered if I was making things worse by not telling people the truth about Julian’s dad.