we? So why do I feel like I’m losing you all over again?”
“Because maybe we just don’t work. Maybe we were never meant to be more than what we were.”
“I don’t accept that. There has to be something more here. There is something.”
“And what does that look like? What does it actually look like, this something more?”
“I don’t know! You might have been aware of your feelings for the last decade, but I’m just learning about them now. It’s kind of a lot to take in.” I had to stop myself from reaching for his hand again. “Can’t you just give me a little time?”
“Time to what?”
“To figure this out. Figure something out. Maybe we can wait until Katie turns eighteen. Or at least until I know if I have a job next year.”
“Julian, I’m only here another month.”
I looked at him in dismay. “You’d really leave? Even when we know that we both—”
“What am I supposed to do instead? Stay here and pretend not to be who I am?”
“Okay, fine. So we do long distance for a while.”
Connor shook his head, setting his jaw. “I don’t want to do that. That’s just more of the same.”
“So, what? You just leave tonight, and we pretend this conversation never happened? Pretend not to know what we know or feel what we feel?”
“What other options are there?” Connor sounded lost. “Please, tell me. I would love to fucking hear them, because being here, trying to stay away from you, has me wrecked. But I can’t go back to hooking up in secret, feeling like I have to hide everything I am.”
“So we don’t hook up. So maybe we’re just friends with…with not benefits, maybe, but with intentions. With an understanding.”
“And how long does that last for? How much longer are you going to keep me—keep yourself—a secret?”
“I don’t know.” I swallowed. “I want to tell people. You know I do. I just need a little bit of time to work out how.”
“And you’re asking me to trust that?”
“All I’m asking is for you not to leave tonight. I’m asking for you to give us a chance to figure this out. Together. Can’t we do that?”
Connor stared at me for so long, I began to wonder if he were ever going to respond.
Finally, he nodded.
“Tonight. I guess I can do tonight.”
What doing tonight looked like, it turned out, was Connor marching me into the kitchen and forcing me to drink a glass of water. I still thought he was overreacting a bit about the car, but he was here. He was standing in my kitchen, making sure I didn’t have a concussion, agreeing to stay the night.
I could put up with a lot of overreacting for that.
Then there was the fact that I hadn’t eaten dinner yet. I hadn’t had time, between working late and having to get Gretchen to her check-up. Connor looked ready to launch into a lecture about the virtues of proper nutrition when I let slip that I hadn’t had time to eat lunch today either, but I forestalled him by promising to eat in front of him if that calmed him down.
My fridge was full of food, actually, since I kept it stocked for Katie and she hadn’t come by for a while. But in case she did come by, I decided to make pasta instead of eating three yogurts and a bunch of bananas. Pasta which, I might add, Connor also ate, when it became clear that I wasn’t the only person who’d skipped dinner.
Roxie and Gretchen were sleeping on the living room rug by the time we were done. Connor turned to me hesitantly.
“When you said you didn’t want me to leave tonight, what kind of sleeping arrangements did you have in mind?”
“Whatever you’re comfortable with,” I said quickly. “I’m not trying to make anything happen. Unless you want it to. In which case I—well, no, it probably wouldn’t be the smartest idea. If we’re still figuring things out. But like, I wouldn’t be against it, if you wanted—” I broke off and squeezed my eyes shut. “I sound like an idiot, don’t I?”
“Only slightly.” Connor gave me a rueful look. “I like it, if that helps.”
“I’m just trying to say I didn’t ask you to stay as part of a nefarious plan to seduce you. We should probably, you know. Not do that.” I held up my right hand. “I solemnly swear I will not throw myself at you in your sleep tonight. Scout’s honor.”
“It’s