you too, which is fucked up, and I am truly sorry for that, but I don’t think it’s what you need to focus on right now.”
“I should have done more to help her.”
I pulled back, holding Julian just far enough away that I could look at him.
“Do you really think anyone else in the world could have tried harder than you did? Could have been a better brother?”
“Then why couldn’t I keep her safe? What was the point of all of this, if I couldn’t stop him in the end?”
“You can’t think like that.”
“You do,” Julian pointed out.
“I’m…not sure I do anymore.”
Julian frowned, and I struggled to put into words a feeling that had been growing in my bones since I’d come back to the island.
“Look, you know I hate the whole ‘everything happens for a reason’ speech, and I do, but I just—look, today, your sister needed you, and you were there. And who knows all the tiny things that had to go right or wrong to get you to that point. We can second guess the past and say we should have done things differently, but it’s possible doing things differently could have made them worse.”
I shifted on the couch. “We can’t know, that’s what I’m trying to say. Maybe if you’d confronted your dad earlier, it would have made things worse. Maybe if I’d stuck around after high school, things would be even more fucked up. Maybe, if you and I hadn’t fought—”
I broke off. Julian was upset, and now wasn’t the time to go spilling my heart out. But I meant what I’d said.
If Julian and I hadn’t fought, I might still resent him. Might still be bitter, focused on my own pain, instead of thinking about what he needed.
If we hadn’t fought, I might not have gone to the beach tonight, which meant I might not have walked past his parents’ house after. Might not have overheard them, might not have felt that heart-stopping terror at the thought of losing Julian entirely.
I might not have realized that what I cared about most—all I really cared about, in the end—was keeping him safe. I might not have realized that just keeping him in my life at all was worth any price.
“I’m not saying everything happens for a reason,” I said slowly. “But I am saying we can try to look for the good things in whatever happens. You were there for Katie today. And that’s a good thing.”
I’d wanted Julian to put himself first for once, but if I were honest, I’d never done that. I’d always put my own feelings above his. It was time to change. To put him first. To be there for him, however he needed me.
I knew I’d hurt him. Deeply. And I understood if he didn’t trust me now. Understood if he never felt safe coming out. Understood that I didn’t get to force his hand.
But I was going to be there for him. No matter what.
Julian’s eyes closed, and a new tear trickled down his cheek. I squeezed his shoulders.
“You can do this. You and Katie are going to get through this, and you’re both going to be okay. She’s so lucky to have you.”
“I didn’t mean it, you know,” Julian said. He opened his eyes, and it was like he was looking at me from across an ocean.
“Didn’t mean what?”
“When I said you couldn’t understand because your parents died. When we fought. I didn’t mean it was easier to lose them than to have shitty ones.”
“I know. It’s okay. We were both mad.”
“Your parents were good people. That’s what I was trying to say. They were good parents.”
“Julian, I know. You don’t have to—”
“No, just—just listen,” Julian said. “Your parents are gone. It’s not fair. And I’m not saying your life is easier or preferable to mine. But what I am saying is that your parents, when they were here—they loved you. And they made sure you knew that.”
His eyes begged me to understand.
“You are shot through with their love. It’s in your veins. And it makes you brave, because they taught you that you matter.”
His face crumpled.
“Hey, hey. You matter. You know that, don’t you? You have to know that.”
“I mean, intellectually, maybe. But it’s one thing to teach yourself that as an adult.” Julian’s mouth curved into a small smile that didn’t look like a smile at all. “It’s different to know it in your bones. To know that you matter because you’re loved by the