I would be even if I didn’t want him, wouldn’t I?
Then why are you taking your anger out on him? said the voice, bolder now.
Fuck.
That was exactly what I was doing.
So what makes you any different from everyone else in his life? What makes you any better than all the other people who try to force him to be someone he’s not?
After that realization, sleep became impossible.
I’d fucked up. That was hardly surprising. I was pretty much a professional at that by now.
But I needed to make it right. I didn’t want to, exactly. I’d never liked apologizing. But I needed to.
Not yet, though, I realized as the sun rose above the treetops. Julian would be at school by now—a thought that made me feel even worse, as I realized I’d just made what was already going to be a hard day for him even harder.
So I went to work, too. Did my best to lose myself in manual labor, as if I could sweat out my guilty conscience. I stayed at McIntyre Beach until it was too dark to see anymore, and shrugged off Deacon’s question about whether I wanted dinner when I got home. Instead, I grabbed Roxie’s leash and took her out for her evening walk.
I’d stop by Julian’s on the way, I decided. Hopefully having Roxie with me, her big eyes staring at me with slightly vacant affection, would remind me that I was trying to apologize, not start another fight.
I rehearsed my plan as I walked from the inn to Julian’s. I was going to apologize, say I’d been out of line, and leave. I wasn’t going to try to explain myself. One, because I knew that didn’t justify what I’d said, and two, because I’d embarrassed myself enough for one day, thank you. I didn’t need to make it worse by spilling all my insecurities out to him.
What I hadn’t counted on, though, was that Julian might not be home when I got there. It wasn’t that late, so I doubted he was asleep yet. But he didn’t answer when I knocked on the front door, and fine, maybe I was a creep and walked around the house to see if there were any lights on, but there weren’t, which left me disconcerted.
I supposed I could apologize by text. But that felt like a cop-out, somehow. Besides which—where was he? Not that he owed me any kind of explanation, of course. But I noticed suddenly that his driveway was empty, which meant he could have taken his car anywhere on Summersea. Or even the mainland.
I walked back around to the front of the house, trying to scold my brain into submission. It didn’t matter where Julian was. It wasn’t any of my business. I’d just finish my walk and text him later tonight. Or try him tomorrow. Or maybe I could go home and check back in a few hours.
That was probably insane. But I was still mulling it over when I saw a car turn down his block. Not just any car. Julian’s.
My heartbeat sped up as I waited for him to approach. By the time Julian reached his driveway, by the time he’d seen me standing there and frowned, it felt like my heart might beat its way out of my chest. I braced for what he’d say when he got out of the car.
But when he did, he didn’t even acknowledge me, save for one exasperated glance over his shoulder. Instead, he leaned back into the car, across the center console, to get something. Or rather, to get someone. Because as he emerged again, he had a squirming Gretchen in his arms.
“It’s okay, kitten,” Julian said, trying to hold her with one hand and soothe her with the other. “We’re home now. No more evil vet’s office, I promise.”
Gretchen did not appear to have any interest in being soothed. If anything, Julian’s attempts to calm her only made her writhe more, and she took advantage of Julian leaning back into the car to grab something else and dug her claws into his shirt.
“Is everything okay?” I called, watching the scene with trepidation. It looked like Julian was trying to pull a box out of the car with his other hand, and after a second, I looped Roxie’s leash around a palmetto in Julian’s front yard and walked over.
“Can I help?” I offered, trying to take the box from him. It was full of folders, colored paper, and an assortment of stickers.
“I’m