not hesitant, exactly, but careful. Like walking through a minefield on bloody feet.
“Your grandfather was not a kind man, but we didn’t use words like ‘abuse’ back then. Even if we had, I don’t know that I would have realized anything was wrong. Not at first. My father wasn’t always very kind either.” She smiled, thinly. “But things like that aren’t ‘nice’ subjects, and ‘nice’ people don’t speak about them. So even after I learned the truth, I didn’t say a word.”
I stared at her in horror, a sick comprehension growing in my stomach.
“Your grandfather knew the rumors about me, and made it clear they disgusted him. So I did my best to forget those parts existed. Folded them up and stuck them in a drawer, buried under as many layers as I could. I simply prayed I didn’t pass my…deviance…on to my children. But as it happened, I only got one shot. After your mother was born—”
She broke off abruptly, pressing her lips together and her eyes closed. When she opened them again, she stared at a spot on the wall slightly to the left of my head. “Well, what’s past is past. The point I’m trying to make is about power. That’s what this island has always been about. Your grandfather was born into power, and he intended to keep it. It was his decision to cut your mother off, when she married someone he considered to be beneath her.”
“If he couldn’t have a son, or son-in-law, he approved of, your grandfather intended to have one of his grandsons carry on his family’s legacy. But as you got older, and it became clear I’d passed on my shame, I—I—” she broke off, sobs floating just beneath the surface of her voice.
“I did the best I could to keep you all safe from him. I don’t expect you to forgive me. Not after what I’ve passed on to you. But I did try.”
It all made a twisted kind of sense, laid out the way she told it, and I couldn’t stop a wave of pity from cresting inside me, even if it was mixed with frustration.
“You know that’s not how it works, right? Being gay isn’t like having blue eyes. You don’t pass it on that simply.” I frowned. “And it’s not something to be ashamed of either.”
Eleanor stiffened. “Perhaps not to you. Not now. But you don’t know what it was like to live here sixty years ago. The pressure there was to hide any imperfections behind closed doors.”
“It’s not an imperfection,” I exploded. “It’s not a flaw, and it’s not something to be fucking ashamed of. I’m sorry if you were taught that way, and if people made you believe that about yourself, but God, that’s fucked up.”
I wanted to yell. I mean, I kind of was yelling, but I wanted to scream. Not even at Eleanor, but at the world. All those years lost. All that pain. All because she’d never said anything, because she’d kept it hidden behind that smooth, pristine surface.
I felt Julian shift beside me. Felt his warm hand in mine, his steady presence, like a heartbeat, the throughline of my life. I thought about how easily he extended forgiveness to people. How his impulse was always to love, rather than to condemn.
I thought about lost years. About being stubborn. About running from pain.
And I thought about what happened when you finally stopped running.
“I’m sorry that happened to you,” I said, my voice quieter this time.
“Me too,” Julian added. “Truly.”
“As I said, I don’t expect you to forgive me.” Eleanor smoothed the legs of her jeans, not that they really needed it. “I can’t undo the past. But I would like to do better now. If you’ll let me. I’d like to be a part of your family, if you’ll have me.”
Family. A complicated word. It had to mean more than blood. Julian was family. Katie was becoming it. Family meant love, and care, and choosing to be there for people, even when you were scared. I hadn’t made things easy for my family, but they hadn’t given up on me.
Maybe I could extend that same gift to someone else.
“I’d like that,” I said.
I was even pretty sure I meant it.
“I won’t pretend to believe that was easy for you to say.” Eleanor held up a hand to forestall my objections. “And don’t worry, I won’t be forcing myself on you boys any time soon.”
“What do you mean?”
Eleanor looked around the room, at