was something I had no trouble imagining Scott Nash doing.
Tom nodded. “That pretty much sums it up. The citizens’ action committee does what it can. They organize beach clean-ups, school trips, door-to-door community engagement. But we need someone who can be here every day—and night, too—to keep an eye on things. Report on nesting sites and numbers. Someone who isn’t afraid to get their hands dirty, to be my boots on the ground for the next couple months.” He gave me a frank look. “Does that sound like you?”
Something pulsed inside my chest. I didn’t like it. It felt like my heart—a muscle that hadn’t gotten much use lately—testing its strength. Pushing out against my ribcage.
Tom’s eyes bore into mine, and I averted my gaze to stare at Roxie instead. Normally, looking at her sweet, slightly vacant expression calmed me down. But today, she just made my heart swell even more.
I didn’t want to take this job. I didn’t want to stay on Summersea. I didn’t want to open up doors I’d closed a long time ago.
But looking down at Roxie, I couldn’t help but be conscious of how much I depended on her. As much as I took care of her, she took care of me. Kept me from calcifying into a complete block of granite.
We all depended on other beings for our survival. It would be shitty for me to say ‘fuck you’ to those turtles just because I had memories I didn’t want to revisit. And I did, technically, need a job.
Plus, there was the Scott Nash-ness of it all. Scott was tied up in the reasons I’d left Summersea in the first place. It wasn’t his fault, exactly, but his hands weren’t clean either. Fire burned in my gut when I thought about the self-satisfied look on his face, the last time I’d seen him.
Julian, if he were still a part of my life, would probably remind me that people can change. He’d say something about the power of forgiveness, and tell me not to make decisions out of pure spite.
But spite was one of the main things that kept me going. My body burned it for fuel, holding a giant middle finger up to the universe that had tried to snuff me out.
Besides, Julian wasn’t a part of my life anymore. And if I were careful—if I were disciplined—surely I could keep it that way.
I met Tom’s gaze with a level one of my own.
“When do you want me to start?”
2
Julian
Connor was in my dream last night.
Isn’t it funny how we say that? You were in my dream last night.
Like a dream is a tangible thing. Something real, if gauzy, that you could grasp ahold of. Like someone could really join you there.
But I guess that’s how it feels. When Connor’s involved, at least.
Seeing him in my dream feels as natural as a heartbeat, as inevitable as the moon. It’s only when I wake up and remember that I haven’t spoken to him in ten years that everything feels strange.
Well, ten years, nine months, and thirteen days. But who’s counting?
I should have expected to dream of him. I always do when I’m stressed.
It’s the same dream, each time. I’m at McIntyre Beach, at night, scrambling over the dunes. I’m late. It’s never clear for what, exactly, but I know I need to make it across the dunes before something happens. Before time runs out.
I fall in the damp grit on the far side. The tide is receding, leaving pale, star-washed stretches of sand exposed like the collarbone of the earth. My hands dig into the ground as I push myself up. My fingertips sting. I taste salt on my tongue.
It’s not until I’m looking up again, my eyes searching the wind-blown darkness, that I realize what I’m searching for. Or rather, who.
Connor is standing in the surf, his back to me. He faces oil-black waves that beckon him further out to sea. I can’t explain how, but I know he’s looking for something too.
Something in his posture gives it away, maybe. The way his hands curl into fists as the waves batter at his legs. The resolute set of his shoulders.
It’s dark, but I swear I can see his jaw shift, then lock, as he finds whatever he’s been scanning the horizon for. I see the moment he decides to leave.
“Connor.” I try to call out to him, but I can never make my voice work right in this dream. His name comes out a