left a few nights later, and I never saw him again.”
“He wasn’t your boyfriend?”
“Wasn’t my boyfriend.” Connor flicked a spray of sand in my direction. “There’s barely been anyone worth that name. Since you.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah. Oh.”
We both stared at the ocean after that. Wave after wave crashed onto the beach, and the wind picked up, blowing seaspray onto our faces.
“You never wanted anything more?” I asked.
“I didn’t think it was fair to ask someone to deal with all my baggage.” Connor made a noise that might have been a laugh, if it hadn’t sounded so dark. “Honestly, I never really expected to make it this far.”
He said it so casually that it took a second for his words to register, but when they did, they cut. I looked at him in horror.
“Please don’t tell me you still think that.”
Connor extended a pacifying hand. “Hey, I was joking. Calm down.”
“Don’t tell me to calm down.” I glared at him. Could he not hear the way my heart was pounding? “That’s not a joke to me.”
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have—I was just trying to say I wasn’t looking for anything serious. Not that I’d—you know I wouldn’t.”
“Except I don’t,” I snapped. “Do you have any idea how much I’ve worried about you, all this time?” The words tumbled out of me like an avalanche. “When I saw you with that guy, it hurt, but I was relieved, too, because I thought it meant you weren’t alone. That you had someone to talk to, if things ever got really bad again. That you wouldn’t be tempted to—”
“Hey, hey, it’s okay.” Connor shifted again, turning his whole body towards me. He took my left hand in both of his and squeezed it. “I wouldn’t. I swear.”
I just looked at him, unable to stop the tremors running through my body. There was another, much older memory I tried not to think about very often, but it still woke me up in a cold sweat sometimes. Finding Connor on the beach—this beach—and not knowing if he was even alive. If I’d left my house even fifteen minutes later that morning…
“Anytime I have more than two drinks,” Connor said, his voice quiet, “I think about that night. What would have happened if you hadn’t found me. Believe me, I’m careful.” He gave me a rueful smile. “If for no other reason than I don’t want to give Deacon any more reasons to yell at me.”
“It’s not just Deacon who would yell at you,” I told him, not sure if I was mollified or not. His hands did feel nice, though.
“You don’t know how to yell,” Connor said, tugging my hand a little. I rolled my eyes.
“I want to be alive,” he continued. “I promise. I’m careful about drinking, and I’m not eighteen anymore, and I’ve had a lot of years to get used to my parents not being around. Besides, there aren’t any tides to come and sweep me out to sea in the Smokies.”
“There are still dangerous things. Bears and stuff.”
Connor laughed. “Okay, well I’ll make a special note to be extra aware of bears the next time I have a drink in Tennessee. Alright?”
I glared at him. “You’re not that funny.”
“I’m a little funny.”
“A very little.”
Connor tugged my hand, pulled me in, and I found myself curling up against him on the sand, my head in his lap.
“I wish things were different,” I whispered.
I was just starting to wonder if the wind had whipped my words away when Connor stroked a thumb down my cheek.
“Me too, Jules. Me too.”
It was dangerous, I knew, letting ourselves get close. Being physically affectionate, when we were supposed to be doing the exact opposite. But when Connor came over that Sunday night, he put his arms around me where I stood at the stove, and I couldn’t help leaning back against him.
It just felt right. Connor being back on Summersea, Connor being the person I had Sunday dinner with, Connor’s cheek resting against my own, his lips almost-but-not-quite touching my jaw, his scent—
I wrinkled my nose and pulled away, turning to look at him for the first time. He’d kicked his boots off on the porch again, but he was positively covered in dried mud. I couldn’t help laughing.
“You couldn’t have showered first?”
“What?” Connor asked, confused. I pointed at his chest, and he looked down at his shirt. His cheeks turned pink. “Fuck. I forgot.”
“I don’t know how you forget getting sucked into quicksand. Or whatever happened to you.”
“Fell into