him.
“Morning.”
God, his eyes. They were luminous, even in the dark. I could have drowned in them. I leaned in, searching for his lips, but Julian put a hand on my chest.
“Connor, stop.”
I pulled back and Julian reached over to the nightstand and turned on the lamp. When he looked back at me, his face was closed off, like he’d pulled a jacket over it and zipped it shut.
“What’s wrong?” I asked, even though it was a stupid question. There was nothing right about our situation, and he’d been smart to stop us from going further.
“We shouldn’t.” He shook his head. “Last night was—I won’t say it was a mistake. I’m glad you came over. Really.”
“Me too.”
“But like you said—sex doesn’t have to mean more than what it is. I was a mess last night and I appreciate you staying. But I don’t want you to feel like you owe me anything. You don’t.”
Correction—I owed Julian a whole fucking lot. But the number one thing I owed him was to try not to make his life worse right now.
“Okay…”
“If we’re gonna be friends, we should do things friends do. And I’m not sure that making a habit out of what we did last night goes in that column, you know?”
Fuck. It was exactly what I wanted—or was supposed to want—him to say. But it hurt.
One night with Julian and I’d laid myself bare. This was exactly what I’d been trying to avoid. I didn’t have it in me to fall for him again and wind up in the same place as before.
“Right.” I made myself smile. “That makes sense.”
“Okay, good. I’m glad you agree.” I could feel him putting distance between us. The jacket wasn’t enough. He needed a moat and portcullis, too.
“You never did tell me why your night was so crappy,” I said, not quite ready to leave just yet.
“Oh.” Julian bit his lip. “It’s not important. You don’t have to ask.”
“And you don’t have to pretend it’s not important. It clearly was last night. I’m genuinely asking.”
“You’re going to tell me I was naive.”
“How about you let me decide how I’m gonna react? I promise even if I think you were naive, I won’t say it.”
Julian snorted. “I’d like to see you try to hold that back.”
“Well, tell me, then, and we’ll find out.”
So he did tell me—about the meeting with Anne, and the evaluation counting double, and his worries about his job. And I didn’t think he was naive. I thought—as I always did—that he was too good for them.
“Told you I was stupid,” Julian said when he finished his story. “Anyone could have seen how this was going to end, but I deluded myself into thinking somehow it wouldn’t happen.”
“You weren’t stupid, you were just hopeful. And you were trying to believe the best about people.”
Julian rolled his eyes. “Isn’t this the part where you say that believing the best about people is stupid, though?”
I glared at him, and he actually laughed.
“See? You want to say it. I can tell.”
“I don’t want to say it,” I protested. “I wish we lived in a world where I was wrong about people more often. I wish the safe bet weren’t that humans will consistently let each other down.”
“But?”
I sighed. “I just don’t get it. Why put yourself through this? Why trap yourself here?”
“It’s not a trap. I chose to be here. I choose to.”
“I know, I know, your sister.” I ran a hand through my hair, propped myself up on my elbow.
“Yeah, my sister, but my students, too. I care about this island. About making life here better for people.”
“But you set yourself up for disappointment. When you care for people who don’t care back, you just leave yourself wide open.”
“So, what, I’m only supposed to care for people when it’s reciprocated? Everyone else can go screw themselves?”
I winced. That was perilously close to my life philosophy, and he knew it.
“I’m just saying, you give and you give, and you let people walk all over your heart, and then when it hurts, instead of protecting yourself, you invite them to do it a second time.”
Julian gave me a hard look. “Are we still talking about my job?”
“I’m just sick of seeing people treat you like shit. People who don’t deserve you.”
“And I don’t think people should have to pass some test just to deserve to be treated well.” He pushed himself up too, bringing his face level with mine.
“Oh, good. This argument.” I gave him a bitter smile.