I noticed, didn’t say anything about knowing me, though he did seem to have recovered from some of his surprise. He smiled blandly at Tom, like his mere existence wasn’t enough to set my heart racing.
What right did he have to look so calm when I could barely think in his presence?
“Ah. Well.” Tom seemed to finally realize he was swimming in shark-infested waters. “Well, I don’t know if you know Julian Jackson as well, but he’s our other committee lead. Works at the elementary school and has been doing tons of work getting the word out to families about preserving the beach.”
Julian turned his opaque smile in my direction, but I barely glanced his way before looking back at Tom. Sustaining eye contact with him was like looking directly at the sun. I nodded, not trusting my voice, and Tom seemed satisfied.
“Alright, then. Let’s get started.”
What followed was one of the more excruciating hours of my life. I tried to focus on the handout Tom passed me. Tried to contribute to the conversation. Tried to do anything but let my gaze return to Julian, let my eyes drink him in like an oasis.
How was it possible that I still wanted him so badly after all these years? How was it possible that he’d gotten more heart-breakingly beautiful? It shouldn’t have been allowed, but there it was.
It really wasn’t fair that Julian didn’t seem the slightest bit flustered at seeing me, after he’d gotten over the initial shock. He had the same quiet, thoughtful presence as the boy I’d left a decade ago. If anything, he was more self-possessed. He exuded a gentle energy that made you want to curl up under his branches and take a nap.
Except that what I really ached to do was touch him. To lean over and bring my fingertips under his chin. Tilt his face up and lose myself in his eyes for an hour or a hundred. Hold him and know I was real, because a world without Julian was impossible to conceive.
Julian had to exist, and when his body was pressed to mine, I knew I existed too. I wanted to exist, instead of just enduring it, when he was next to me.
But I couldn’t have any of that, couldn’t do any of that, because none of the reasons I’d left years ago had changed. I might be back—temporarily—but I still wanted things from Julian that he couldn’t give me. Which meant it was better to hold myself back entirely.
I knew I had hurt him by leaving. I’d only cut him again—and cut myself even deeper—if I opened that door once more.
It was impossible to focus. Tom talked about the samples he wanted me to collect, Eleanor discussed an upcoming lunch she was hosting, and Julian said something about… Well, honestly, I wasn’t sure what Julian said. I was too busy watching the way his lips formed the words to pay attention to their meaning.
I was also rather busy trying not to spontaneously combust.
And then, just like that, the meeting was over. I pushed my chair back before Tom had even officially adjourned us, mumbled something that might have been a polite excuse and might have just been a fistful of syllables, and left the room.
No, not left. If we’re being totally honest, I fled. I pushed through the library doors as quickly as possible, desperate to get outside. Away from Julian, away from the air that swirled around us, insisting that I get closer.
I’d barely made it two feet down the sidewalk when I heard him behind me.
“Connor.”
He didn’t even say it very loudly, but my traitorous body, which evidently had no interest in preserving my mental health or my heart, stopped in its tracks.
You could have set me loose anywhere in the world, and whenever I’d stopped spinning, I’d be pointing toward Julian. He was my true north.
So yeah, I stopped, and when I turned around, Julian was so close to me that my first thought wasn’t even self-preservation—it was that it would be so easy to pull him in and kiss him. To see if he still tasted like sunshine, and salvation.
I took a step back, forcing myself to project a semblance of self-control.
Julian studied me, his eyes bright and focused. He’d always done that—looked at me like I mattered. I’d never gotten used to it, and I found myself taking another step back, afraid he could read my mind. I clenched my jaw, willing myself to get a