the windows. Connor sat on the sofa opposite me, his index finger circling his thumb again. I didn’t think he was aware of it. He fixed his gaze on some distant spot out the windows behind me.
“How much do you remember about what happened before I left?” he asked finally, his eyes still avoiding mine.
“Everything,” I said.
Because it was true. I’d gone over those last few days of high school in excruciating detail, looking for some sign that I’d missed, something that could have told me what was about to happen. Wondered what the hell I’d done to make him leave.
“Scott started that fire. Left your bike in the woods. They took you down to the station, and you—” I swallowed. This was the part I’d never understood. “You didn’t say anything. You could have gotten out of it, if you’d just told them where you’d been. But you didn’t say anything.”
Connor’s gaze snapped over to me. “I would never have done that. Never.”
“Then why did you leave? That’s what I don’t get. If you were trying to protect me—if I meant something to you—why would you just leave without saying goodbye?”
“I’m sorry.” Connor’s voice was hoarse, and his eyes went back to the windows. The clock on the wall ticked loudly. And for a moment, Connor looked very small.
“You’d talked about leaving before.” I tried, and utterly failed, to keep the pain out of my voice. “We’d talked about leaving. But it was supposed to be later. Not then. Not without me.”
“I’m sorry,” Connor repeated, his shoulders shaking. He put his elbows on his knees, buried his face in his hands. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t want to hurt you.”
“You don’t have to keep apologizing. I get that part. I’m just asking why.”
“Eleanor,” Connor said haltingly. His breath came out in jagged gasps. “She came to get me. Told the chief I’d been at her house, that I couldn’t have set that fire.” He looked up at me. “After she picked me up, she told me she’d seen you. That you were on the way to the station.”
“I didn’t know what else to do. You shouldn’t have had to pay for something Scott did.”
“She asked me to think about that. About what I was doing.”
“What do you mean?”
“To you.” Connor gave me a broken look. “She said you’d been preparing to come out, to tell the police and your dad and the whole town that I’d been with you when Scott started the fire. And she asked if I thought that was fair.”
“Eleanor said that?”
I’d seen her, right before going to the station. I’d stopped at my dad’s church, of all places. Just for a minute, just to gather myself. Eleanor had been there. Taken one look at me, and known something was wrong.
“She said she’d take care of it,” I said slowly. “I told her you’d been with me and she didn’t even make me feel bad about it. She just told me not to worry. That she’d fix things.” I looked at Connor in horror. “She manipulated you, and she never told me.”
Connor shook his head. “That’s just it. I don’t think she really did. I can blame Eleanor for a lot—and I do—but this…?”
“She made you feel like you had to choose between—”
“She asked me to think about what it would mean,” Connor interrupted. “I’ve never been good at thinking about consequences, but she asked me what kind of future I saw for us. If we stayed, and you came out, and your family kicked you out, if you couldn’t see your sister. Or if we left, and you lost touch with them completely.”
“That’s not fair. It’s not as simple as that.”
“You told me I didn’t make it easy.”
“I what?”
“We were at McIntyre Beach this one time, and I was bitching about Deacon, and I’m sure you didn’t mean for me to remember it, but you said I didn’t make it easy for people. And I just—whether I asked you to leave with me, or if we’d stayed, at some point, you were going to have to pick. Me or your family.”
“So you left without even telling me? Connor, I was ready to come out for you. Were you that convinced I’d have wanted to stay, if you left?”
“I was afraid you’d want to come with me”
I stared at him in incomprehension. “What?”
“I wasn’t afraid you’d choose your family over me. I was afraid you’d choose me, and then you’d lose contact with them, and it