the waning release came the despair. I didn't want to lose this, but I didn't know how to keep it either. I wanted to tell him how much I loved him, but the words got stuck in my throat. It wasn't that I wasn’t sure about my feelings.
I was.
And while they were nothing like what I'd felt for Grady, the effects of my ex’s rejection still lingered. I'd survived Grady, but I wouldn't survive Gideon reminding me of the things I already knew.
That I wasn't enough. And that in some ways I was too much.
My health, even at its best, would always be a burden to any man who chose to make a life with me. And while Gideon was beyond patient when it came to my sight, I knew that couldn't last. There would come a day where it would be a hindrance and he’d resent me…
No, I couldn't say the words that were screaming to escape my throat. I could only tuck them away deep inside of me in a place where I could bring them to the surface when I didn't feel strong enough to deal with things. I’d remember this exact moment where I wasn't blind, sick Lex. I was just Gideon's Lex.
"Are you okay?" Gideon asked as he turned his head and brushed a kiss over my cheek. It wasn't until he did it again that I realized he was kissing away tears. I nodded vigorously.
"Yeah," was all I managed to say. It wasn't smooth or sexy or funny, but it was all I had. It was the truth. For the first time in a long time, I felt like I was okay.
Gideon's mouth covered mine and I gladly returned the kiss despite my exhaustion. I felt him pull free of my body and instantly mourned the loss. When Gideon got up, presumably to get something to clean us both off with, I tried to get ahold of my emotions. Grady had always hated how clingy I'd gotten after sex. I couldn’t make that mistake with Gideon.
When Gideon returned to the bed, I lay there silently as he cleaned me off. The bed dipped beneath Gideon's weight as he climbed in next to me, but I ended up turning my back to him so he wouldn't see me struggling to get control of myself. While we'd spent the last couple of weeks sleeping together each night, the situation had been different. Gideon had needed comforting and I'd tried to give him that. But sleeping together after sex wasn’t the same thing. Grady had always liked his space and on the few occasions that he’d stayed overnight, he'd actually put pillows between us to keep me from crowding him. I didn't want to risk Gideon doing the same thing.
But when Gideon pressed up against my back and softly said, "Talk to me, Lex," it was all I could do to not completely lose it.
"I'm fine," I responded. A few minutes earlier I'd felt so at ease, but the fear of rejection was quickly taking over. There was no way I could tell him that I was terrified of losing him over something as simple as cuddling after sex. Why in the hell would Gideon want to deal with any of that? Who would?
I had no choice in the matter when Gideon rolled me onto my back. That simple act had me trying to stifle a harsh sob and I ended up covering my eyes. That humiliation crawled beneath my skin and undid all the languishing effects of the orgasm I'd experienced. Gideon's fingers stroked through the hair at my temple. "Sweetheart, talk to me. Did I hurt you?"
I shook my head frantically. Never in a million years did I want him to think that. But it was too hard to talk at the moment.
Gideon shifted next to me, but instead of getting up and leaving, he sidled up against me and put his arm around my waist. His mouth was near my ear but instead of chastising me for my foolishness, he began saying things that no one had ever told me before.
He told me I was beautiful.
That I was kind and brave and, in his words, "so fucking strong."
He went on and on like that, telling me things about myself that I found hard to believe. But he was so adamant.
"Stop," I begged because it hurt too damn much.
"Why?"
"I'm none of those things," I admitted. "Not strong, not brave."
I expected him to argue with me.