he could've taken his own kidney out, he would have." Lex smiled a little, but it was a sad smile. He wiped at his tears and mumbled, "Sorry."
I assumed he was apologizing for the tears, so I pulled his hand up and kissed his palm. "Don't be. You got the transplant," I said. I'd noticed the scar on his side when we’d been making love, but I’d been too preoccupied to ask about it.
"Yeah. But not until I turned eighteen. Since Con wasn’t related to me and I had no family, there was a lot of red tape. I think it just came down to the state not wanting to pay for the transplant and the hospital not wanting to risk me not having a support system in place to help me recover. Anyway, as soon as I turned eighteen, I had the surgery. I was pretty sick by then, so it was hard to find a doctor who was willing to perform the operation. And my insurance through the state wouldn't cover it because they said I should stay on the dialysis machines."
"How did you get the surgery, then?”
“Con and King. They paid for it themselves. And they found a doctor who was willing to perform the procedure despite the risks.”
“That kind of procedure and supportive care couldn’t have been cheap,” I offered. My opinion of his brothers, even the one who’d turned my face into hamburger, shot up exponentially.
“It wasn’t,” Lex said softly. “I never found out how King got the money for his half, but Con got his by joining an illegal fight club.” Lex dashed at his eyes. “You should have seen him, Gideon. He was covered in bruises all the time… I begged him to stop, but he wouldn’t. Neither of them would. Not until they had every penny.”
When Lex took a moment to get his emotions under control, I remained silent, but I ran my thumb over his to remind him I was there.
“The surgery was a success and after I recovered, I went to live with King and Con. It kind of feels like that’s when my life really started."
"Makes sense," I said.
"It felt like I wasn't worth anything to anyone for the first eighteen years of my life, Gideon. Except to Con and King. And eventually my other brothers, Luca and Vaughn. I thought things would be different when I was an adult. I dreamed of having my own family. I wanted to wake up next to my husband every morning and have our kids come running into the room and jump in bed with us. I wanted my brothers to be annoyingly overprotective uncles. I wanted… I wanted to be wanted." Lex began rubbing his free hand over the table. "But the men came and went. Other things did too. Jobs, friends… there was only one constant in my life."
"Your brothers."
Lex nodded. "After my video game business took off, my social life became a lot more active. I know you don't like hearing about other men—"
"I don't," I admitted. "But I need to hear this."
"I started dating guys who were very different from the few I’d been with when I was younger. Good-looking, educated men with aspirations. I tried just enjoying dating someone new each night, but I'm not wired that way. I never was. I didn't know how to meet a man who'd want the same things as me. The ones who said they did turned out to only be interested in my money or in getting their fifteen minutes in the spotlight. And then came Grady."
Lex stopped toying with the table and did his best to look directly at me. I was still holding his hand, so I could feel how cold and clammy it was.
"I'm a mess, Gideon. That's who I am," he said simply. "I might look put together on the outside, but inside I'm still that little kid who's tired of hoping for something that might never happen. I'm terrified of loving you. But I do. You make me feel things even when I can't see them. I can see the world through your eyes. I can feel it through your touch, and I can hear it through your words. You want me to tell you what I want… what I want is you, Gideon. I just want you."
My heart felt like it was going to pound right out of my chest at his admission. Never in a million years had I thought he could feel