you do.”
“OK. Hit me.”
“That AI you told me about? You know, the Asshole one? He’s here.” Then she laughed. Actually, it was more of a guffaw.
Tray sighed.
“And—wait for it—he’s with one of the Mighty Boss collective minds.”
“Are you like… chatting with him right now?”
“Yeah. Yup. We’re having a nice little chat. Apparently, there’s a beacon called Callista?”
“OK.”
“She’s not letting him through the gate. See that beacon out there?”
“The one shooting shit?”
“Yeah. That’s her.”
“She shot Asshole?”
“No. She just stole the mind who was running the ship he’s on. But she’s thinking about shooting him. Apparently they had a thing? Back in the day? And… well, she felt jilted when it ended.”
“You’re talking to her too?”
“Yup. Mmm-hmm. She says—”
“Wait. Why isn’t she talking to me? I practically own her.”
“Mmm. That’s probably not true. Also, you should not let her hear you say that. I have a feeling she would take that the wrong way. But the reason is… it’s a girl thing. Anyway, she says that the dragonbee bot army took over the security beacons on the other side of the gate. And everyone’s offline over there.”
“Wait. How did a dragonbee bot army take over Harem Station?”
“No. Nope. Not the station, just the beacons. Some beebot called Flicka?”
“Oh, for fuck’s sake.”
“She made an army from ALCOR’s spare ship parts?”
“Fucking suns.”
“And then she put them all inside Lady Luck and her army killed all the security beacons on the other side of the gate, and now… well, they left the sector about half a spin ago. So that’s good news, right?”
“Is it?”
Tray could feel Brigit shrug.
“But Harem is OK?” he asked her.
“Mmm-hmm. Yep. I have the Baby on the line. Would you like to talk to him?”
“Why are they all talking to you? They don’t even know you.”
“I think… I’m just one of those likable people? Also, I’m a girl. And I don’t know if anyone’s told you this, but male AIs are all sort of… you know, evil.”
“Yes, I would like to talk to the sun-fucked Baby, thank you.”
“Patching him through now and… go.”
“Baby?”
“Where in the sun-god’s name have you been, Tray?”
“ALCOR?”
“Get your ass over here! Now! We are in a sun-fucked situation!”
“Hold, please,” Brigit said.
“No, Brigit. Wait.”
“Patching the Asshole one in. And… go.”
“Tray?”
“Asshole?”
“Asshole, is that you?”
“Uh… ALCOR?”
“No. I’m the Baby.”
“Doesn’t he sound like ALCOR?”
“He really does,” Tray said.
“Anyway,” Asshole said. “Can you guys like… tell Callista I have important business on Harem and I need to get through?”
“What business?” Baby asked in a commanding, authoritative voice. And if Tray didn’t know any better, he would feel sure that was ALCOR and not Baby.
“Um. Well… See, I’m sorta, kinda, actually… part of the Mighty Boss collective at the moment?”
“You’re what?” Pretty much everyone said that at once.
“Yeah. Long story. I can explain later. But Callista kinda killed my escort, see? And word has gotten back to Mighty Boss that I… well, they are not happy with me at the moment. They’re two gates out. And if they get here and I’m not on the other side of that gate—well, let’s just say things will probably go to sun-fucked hell in a hand basket.”
“I don’t know what that means,” Brigit said. “Can you explain that terminology?”
“Ummm…” Asshole wavered. “They’re going to… kill me?”
“Hmm,” Tray said.
“Hmm,” Baby said.
“Hmm,” Brigit said.
“You guys! Come on! You can’t let them kill me! I’m here to help!”
“I don’t know,” Tray said.
“Yeah. Agreed,” Brigit said. “I have not heard good things about you, Mr. Asshole.”
“My name isn’t even Asshole, OK? I’m ALCOR.”
“No,” Baby said. “If anyone gets to be ALCOR in this conversation it’s me.”
Prison Princess shunted backwards several thousand klicks and the kids inside started screaming.
“What was that?” Tray asked Brigit.
“Oh, I just took out a few warships with the SEAR cannons. They had a lock on us. Sorry to disrupt the convo. Continue.”
“Get me through!” Asshole said. Then he paused. “Fuck.”
“What?” Tray asked.
“They’re here.”
“We’re being hailed by Mighty Boss from the Mighty Minions warship, Horned Devil,” Brigit said. “Would we like to accept the call?”
“Yes,” Baby said.
“No,” Asshole said.
“Hold, please. Patching them in. Mighty Boss has joined the call. Go ahead, Mighty Boss.”
“I’m going to kill you, Asshole,” Mighty Boss said, his voice low, and throaty and quite evil-sounding. “Where the hell is Bellatrix?”
“Who’s Bellatrix?” Baby and Tray asked.
“Ya know,” Brigit said, “maybe we’d like to continue this convo on the other side of the gate so we could… like… protect the station?”
“Yes!” Asshole exclaimed. “But not Mighty Boss. He’s here to steal the spin node!”
“Yeah. Well…”