one way through some spin node and I went some other way, through the ALCOR gate. And then I got stuck here on this station that whole time. And she…” I throw up my hands. “I dunno what the fuck she did. Time-traveled? Hopped universes? I have no clue. The only thing I do know is that she gives about as many fucks about me as I do her, so… yeah. The way I see it, we’re even.”
Flicka buzzes right up to my face. Hovers there just off the end of my nose. My eyes start to cross a little and I swat her back. “That’s the most selfish thing I’ve ever heard.”
I guffaw. “Really?”
“‘Poor me. My name is Crux. I’ve lived this cushy, privileged life here on Harem Station for twenty-one years. Boo hoo. I’ve never had to worry about credits, or food, or air, or people trying to rape me—’”
“Fuck you. Yeah, I got all those basic things for free. Lucky me. But I have done nothing for the past twenty-one years but worry about other people. And the food, and air, and water might be free, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t earn it. Do you have any idea how much time I’ve spent behind an autocook trying to fix it? Do you have any idea how many water generators I’ve built in my life? Do you have any idea how much maintenance an airlock needs to keep the integrity of the seals? All that shit was free because I made the motherfucking machines that make the motherfucking water and food. I have changed the fucking seals on every single airlock on this godforsaken station at least a hundred times since I landed here! My life is the opposite of free, Flicka. I’ve been a prisoner of Harem Station for twenty-one years! And you know what?” I blink my eyes at her, kinda stunned at my own outburst. But fuck it. I’m all in now. “I think I’m done.”
She buzzes something my translator can’t interpret, then spins round and puffs out a mist of green particles which quickly make me cough.
I swat at her, moving out of her poison cloud, and she buzzes off. Disappearing into an air vent.
“Fuck you!” I yell after her. “Just… fuck you, and fuck Valor, and fuck Veila, and fuck Luck, and Delphi, and Jimmy, and Nyleena! And most of all, fuck Corla! Fuck all of you! I’m out!”
CHAPTER THREE - CRUX
“You know”—Baby ALCOR’s voice booms through my office—“it’s interesting to me that you didn’t include Real ALCOR in your tirade. Why is that?”
“Why is that, Baby? I’ll tell you why. Because I believed in him, OK? I might not have trusted him, and I always knew he was up to something, but if I give up on him then what is the fucking point?”
He doesn’t answer immediately so I continue.
“For real. What is the point? If my whole life is just one small thread in the great big web of lies that ALCOR has been weaving for billions of years, then what does it matter? I’ve been told that none of this is my free will. I’ve been told that things are on some kind of loop. I’ve been told that we’ve all been here before and I’ve been told that ALCOR is just gonna wipe us all out anyway. So who cares? Why should I care? It’s fate, right?”
More silence. Maybe he left? Or maybe he’s just giving me space to say more. But I don’t have anything else to say. I’m just… jaded. I saw what a real life looks like in that dream and it’s nothing like the one I’ve been living. It’s kids, and a wife, and birthdays, and cooking breakfast in some outdated fire contraption. It’s a home, probably on a planet, with a sun, and weather, and neighbors. It’s probably a job that doesn’t involve saving the lives of millions of people every day by making sure they can breathe, and eat, and drink. Why should I care that his life will be upended if I don’t do my part?
Like… welcome to my world, am I right?
Baby remains silent so I keep going. “My whole life has been nothing but one long string of weird breeding ceremonies, and missing princesses, and whole galactic armies wanting me dead. And before now, before I saw that other Crux, I didn’t know better. But all it takes is a glimpse, ya know? That’s all I got, anyway. And