straight down a dark alley. There are so many things I wish I could change. So many things I’d do differently. I know words have power, and I used mine to the best of my ability. Especially when it came down to hurtin’ the ones I loved the most.” I bowed my head, trying to gather my composure.
“I’m workin’ my steps, you know? And my sponsor says I need to ask for forgiveness from the people I have hurt, and I’m like Christ, man, that could take the rest of my life.”
The room erupted into laughter, making me feel more at ease to continue.
“You see, I’m my own worst enemy. My pride has always been my biggest downfall. I know now that there is no in between. I go to a meetin’ or I drink. Bottom line. I’m in recovery, but I’ll never be recovered. I’m an alcoholic, an addict until the day I die,” I paused to let my words sink in.
“The more I got away wit’, the more invincible I thought I was. It’s a slippery rope. I’m successful, I have all the money in the world. Why do I have to change? I didn’t have consequences. As my June would say, I was a functionin’ alcoholic. It’s a disease that preys on your weaknesses. It hangs and doesn’t let you go for anything. It’s so easy to allow it to take control ’cuz it becomes stronger than you. Stronger than anythin’ you’ve ever felt before. It’s hard to admit you’re not perfect, and comin’ from a perfectionist it makes it even harder. The bottle was my security blanket. It was there when I thought I had no one to turn to. It became my only family, my best friend, the love of my life. My addiction.”
It felt good to talk about the things I spent my life hiding from.
“I can’t live in the past anymore. It’s done nothin’ but drag me down and kept me there. I was a slave to my demons who knew how to play me like a fiddle. Everyone has that little voice in the back of their minds that guide them to decipher between right and wrong. I drowned out that voice every chance I got. It became second nature. Normal. Comfortin’. It was disguised as my refuge when in fact it was my Hell. A purgatory I created for myself. Where I shut people out. I wish I would have been stronger and fought against the cravin’ to lose myself. Addiction is a powerful son of a bitch. And the worst part is it knows how to take you down without you even realizin’ it.” I took a deep breath, inhaling in and out.
“I try to find solid ground every day of my life. I have the support of my family, and it took me a long time to realize I’ve always had their support in one way or another. I’ve let a lot of people down. I’ve made a lot of mistakes. I carry around guilt and shame like it’s my guitar. Don’t all rock stars?” I anxiously chuckled, peering around the room.
Gazing from the boys, to Journey and her family, to my mother and sisters. Everyone who loved me was there, hearing my story for the first time.
Except, the one person who mattered.
The one person I wanted the most.
“It’s why we turn to music. The noise takes everythin’ away. The energy, the pulse, the beats, and the fact that we can scream, shout, and hit things and get admired for it. We can’t write the lyrics if we don’t know what it means to feel every word. In the end, I lost people who were most important to me. I hit rock bottom the day I figured that out. My therapist tells me I have never been able to talk ’bout my emotions, and that’s been the cause of most of my issues.”
My mom smiled and winked at me, providing me with the bravery to keep going.
“Here’s the thing, I just wanted to prove everyone wrong. I have congenital hearin’ loss, and I didn’t want it to hold me back. I made damn sure it didn’t. Never realizin’ I was slowly causin’ my demise. Tearin’ rifts between the people I love. When you’re young, you think you know everythin’. You think you’re invincible, and you have all the time in the world to make things right. It’s all a lie. An illusion. I’m scared every mornin’ when I wake