the song I wrote him.
For the father I'd lost ’cuz my pride was more important.
I fell apart like a child yearning for his daddy to hold him.
In this hospital, in this room, next to his bed, I was merely a little boy pleading with God not to take his father away.
I sobbed.
My chest burned, and my throat was on fire. Hyperventilating to the point of pain. I sucked in air that wasn’t available for the taking.
Shattering into a pile of guilt and devastation.
“You can’t leave me,” I pleaded, loud and determined to make him hear me. “Please don’t leave me ... I’m begging you, please fight for your family. I can’t lose you ... Please, Pops ... please. God ... please don’t take him from me ...” I bellowed in the misery that lay beside me. “If you let him live, I promise to never drink again. I swear to you. Please ... just let him live.”
The hurt.
The agony.
The remorse.
It was all streaming out of me. My heart breaking, bleeding out for him to feel me. My body fiercely battled with itself in a way it never had before. Yearning to have him wrap his strong arms around me. Engulf me with his comfort, his warmth, his protection.
Reassuring me it was going to be alright. Everything was going to be alright.
It wasn’t.
It never would be again.
Not without him.
My tears rained over my father.
“I’m lost without you. I’ve been so fuckin’ lost without you. Please help me find my way ... please, Dad. I love you.”
“Mmm...” he groaned, and my head immediately popped up, hearing my old man’s voice.
“Dad?”
His eyes slowly fluttered open, and I was consumed with gratitude and appreciation for being able to see his eyes staring back at me.
My vision tunneled.
My heart soared.
Breathing new life into me.
“I haven’t...” he tried to speak, but it was too hard for him.
“It’s okay, Dad. I’m here. I’m here wit’ you now.”
He opened and closed his mouth a few times before he weakly grumbled, “You haven’t called me that in a long time, Cash. Feels damn good hearin’ it.”
His tranquil hazel eyes saw through me. Intensely observing his boy like he always had, showing me I was in fact, his entire world.
His only son.
I hugged him, I couldn’t help it. Embracing him for all the years I’d lost. All the memories I’d missed. All the I love yous. The I miss yous. The hurt and damage I’d caused.
He moaned in pain, however, it didn’t stop him from wrapping his arms around me.
“I’m sorry,” I muttered, my voice breaking. “I don’t know why I wasted all these years bein’ so fuckin’ angry. I thought ... I don’t even know what I thought anymore. But you’re right. I need help. I can’t do this alone ... Please help me ... please.”
“Shhh ... it’s alright.” He grabbed my hand and laid it gently over his heart. “Feel my heart, Cash. It’s beatin’ for you. For your mother and sisters.”
I did.
It was such a steady beat. He used to do this when I was a kid. It was his way of comforting me and letting me know everything was going to be okay.
Beep.
Beep.
Beep.
“Shhh ... I’m here, and I’m not goin’ anywhere,” he softly spoke. “I’m sorry too. All I’ve ever wanted ...” He took a deep, painful breath. “Was what was best for you. I should have been supportive. There are so many things ... I wish I could go back and change.”
“I know.”
“I love you, Cash. You’re my boy. You’ve always been my boy.”
I nodded, looking him in the eyes. “I just wanted you to be proud of me.”
“I am. Despite everythin’, I am so damn proud of you.”
My eyes blurred with tears, taking in everything he was saying. “I’m so ashamed for hurting everyone and for everythin’ I’ve done. I don’t know how to make it right. Wit’ you. Mom. My sisters. Harley. Especially ... Bailey.”
He faintly smiled. “Your mother has the most forgivin’ heart, and so do your girls. It will all be alright. We’re family.”
My chest heaved, rising and falling with each ragged breath. I desperately wanted to believe him. Silently praying he was right.
“What happened to you, Dad? How did you get shot? I don’t understand. You’ve always been so careful.”
“All that matters is lives were saved.”
“Are you gonna be alright?”
His eyes got weary and started closing on their own, a distant and hazy gaze clouding his vision.
“Dad?”
The sound of his machines slowed down.
“Dad?” I panicked, shaking him. “Dad? Dad?” I