last twelve years. Replaying on repeat as if I were a broken record, and my life was a sad ballad.
All these years...
I wanted to call her and tell her how much I loved her.
How much I thought about her.
Dreamt about her.
How hollow I felt on the inside ’cuz I missed my mother. How I debated so many damn times to break down and
reach out, just to hear her voice, see her face, feel her love.
I scrolled through the emails, reading subject after subject...
I miss you.
Where are you?
I had a bad dream about you.
Please tell me you’re okay.
My inbox was full of similar emails from her, one overlapping the other. I fought with all my thoughts, all my emotions. Sentiment after sentiment pulling me under.
My breathing rapid.
My heart pounding.
My mind battling.
I didn’t know which way was up or down. Dragging me further through the path of my own destruction.
My body shaking.
My heart breaking.
My world coming apart.
Shattering into a million pieces. I couldn’t keep up with the turmoil, the devastation, the consequences of my actions.
Click.
Click.
Click.
Until I landed on the email that read, We’re having problems.
Hey baby,
I’ve spent the last two years writing you with no response. It’s weird because this is the only place I still feel connected to you. Despite never hearing a reply or receiving a call, it still gives me peace to write you. Despite it all.
Your father and I are having our ups and downs. Part of me can’t forgive him for making you run away. I miss you more and more every day. It feels like I can’t breathe, Cash. Like you took my heart, my soul, my life right along with you. I worry about you all the time. It doesn’t matter that Harley says you’re alright. I still feel like you need me. I mourn you like you passed away and I didn’t get to say goodbye.
My biggest fear is that I’ll never see you again. It’s not fair. I hate living like this, going on without seeing your face. Your dad isn’t the same. He hasn’t been since you left. Our marriage is in a shaky place, and I don’t know what to do. I want to forgive him, but I can’t because it feels like I’m betraying my only son. I don’t know how much longer we can go on like this. It hurts. It hurts so bad. I feel like I’m dying day after day.
I need you.
I need my baby boy.
I love you, Cash.
I hope you remember that when you’re feeling alone. Please write me. Please. I love you more than anything in this world.
Always and forever.
With all my love,
Mom
I bowed my head in such shame and remorse with tears streaming down the sides of my face. I felt everything.
Every word.
All her sadness and despair.
Once again starting and ending with, I love you.
I sat there trying to hold it together, knowing it didn’t matter. Nothing would be the same after this.
Journey. I needed my girl.
More subjects.
More emails.
More pain and sorrow.
Especially when I saw the name...
Bailey.
Click.
I know.
Two words. Bright and bold. Taking ahold of what was left of me.
I knew the minute I saw her through the window at the hospital. What happened, Cash? Where are you? Why aren’t you here? This is your daughter! Your blood! I raised you better than that! I raised you to be a man!
Who are you right now?
I want to believe you don’t know about her, but it’s obvious when I look into Harley’s eyes how much you hurt her. How much it’s hurting her without you here! She’s been a mess. I hardly recognize her anymore.
WHERE ARE YOU?!
Bailey needs you. She needs her father. I’m so ashamed of you right now. Are you reading this? Do you hear me? How could you do this? You better get your ass back here and be the man I raised! She’s your best friend! That’s your daughter! You do NOT abandon your child!
Don't make that mistake. Don't abandon your child. You will regret it for the rest of your life. I will forever regret missing precious years with you because I didn't step up and say or do something. It hurts so bad. I don't want that for you or Harley and Bailey."
Mom
Bailey flashed through my eyes, and I slammed the laptop shut.
Her eyes.
Her smile.
Her laugh.
My heart.
I needed to go.
To run.
To get away from the hell I’d created.
Hearing Journey shuffling around in the bathroom snapped me outta my trancelike state. I jolted off the couch and hauled ass. One