didn’t want to cry. I’d spent hours shedding enough tears to last me a lifetime. I wanted to be strong, stand up to him. He needed to finally hear what I’d been wanting to say for so damn long. I couldn’t keep doing this with him. As much as I loved him with all my heart and soul, I couldn’t watch him destroy himself anymore.
“Did you know I started reading books about addiction? Everything I have read from beginning to end describes you. But the biggest revelation was I’m part of the problem. I didn’t listen to anyone—not Jackson, not your father, not even your best friend Harley.”
He frowned, and his hands started to shake. I recognized the signs all too clearly—he wanted a drink. To hide from the reality that was his life.
“They all warned me. I didn’t listen. I’m the fool. I have done nothing but enable you in the worst way possible. I’ve used my love and devotion to pretend like I could save you from yourself. Never realizing everything you have said to me. Every word, every verse, every lyric, ’cuz you’re mine. I walk any line. Show me what love is, Junie. I need you to show me. You’ve manipulated me, and I’ve let you. The very first song you ever sang to me was It ain’t me babe, no way, no how. And it’s true. It ain’t you. I don’t know the last time it was you!”
“Junie.” He stepped toward me, and I stepped back, knowing the second he put his hands on me I was done for.
It was his go-to move.
He put his hands up in the air, surrendering. “I’m sorry.”
“You don’t even know the meaning of those two words. You think just because you say you’re sorry, it excuses your behavior. I’m sorry, means you can keep doing whatever you want with no consequences. I’m sorry, means you can continue to behave the way you are. That’s what I’m sorry means to you. It isn’t about me. It’s about how you can appease my mind by telling me what you think I want to hear.”
He bowed his head, rubbing the back of his neck.
“’Junie, I’ll change for you. I’ll stop drinkin’ and druggin’. I’ll do it for you. Hear me, listen to me when I tell you—I’ll get clean and sober for you. I don’t have a problem, Junie. If I did, you’re wit’ me now. I don’t need nothin’ else. I’ll show you the world, baby. Things you’ve only ever dreamt ’bout. You’ll have everythin’ you ever wanted, includin’ me. I promise you. I’ll change, for you.’ Do you remember saying any of that to me? You promised me the world, and I believed you. Except, you were drunk then too. I didn’t see it, but it was right in front of my eyes. It’s been right in front of my eyes since I first looked at you!”
I was proud of myself. It felt good expressing the way I felt.
“I was blinded by your words, never realizing you have to change for yourself. Not for me or your family, not even your daughter.” I pointed at him. “It needs to be for YOU! I can’t save you, Cash Motherfuckin’ McGraw! You need to want to save yourself.”
His eyes glazed over. I was getting through to him. “I do love you, Journey. Please tell me you at least believe that.”
“I do.” I nodded. “But your love is killing me inside.”
“I don’t want to lose you.”
My eyes brimmed with tears. “I think you already have.”
He adamantly shook his head. “You don’t mean that, Journey Pierce. I know you don’t mean that.”
“I don’t have any more to give you, Cash. You took it all. Drained me of everything.”
With that, I turned and left him there. I wanted him to reflect on what I said, alone. Unsure of where we’d go from here, I walked out to the balcony to get some much-needed air.
Breathing in and out, I leaned against the railing for support. Desperately trying to keep it together.
Don’t back down, Journey. Don’t cave. Stay strong.
If I showed weakness, I’d lose him more than I already had. I stood there silently praying he’d make the right choice for the first time in his life. It wasn’t about me anymore. It boiled down to him and the life he wanted to live.
I don’t know how long I stayed out there until my feet started to move on their own accord to go back inside. Step