Oak Island and her behind.
I didn’t know what to say, how to feel, what to do...
Feeling lost once again.
Deeper and deeper the desire to fall down the rabbit hole became bigger and bigger.
My heart dropped.
I felt sick.
I couldn’t fuckin’ breathe.
The ground beneath me swallowed my whole body.
“My baby boy. I’m so sorry.”
The first email subject line read. I immediately shut the laptop, overwhelmed with the truth that was blatantly laid out before my eyes.
My family was a living, breathing trigger for me.
The craving to drink was so goddamn intense. I wanted to cave. I thought I had control over my sobriety, however, one look at my mother’s words had me questioning the last two and a half months of my life.
Starting and ending with, “I love you.”
My heart continued to beat outta my chest, and sweat pooled at my temples.
I was jonesing.
I was jonesing, so fuckin’ bad.
Dealing with my internal struggle of losing the best thing I ever had.
Journey.
I closed my eyes, trying with every fiber of my being to get ahold of my emotions.
Don’t do it, Cash. Alcohol ain’t the answer.
My longing to relapse was running deep...
Taunting me.
Baiting me.
Like a loaded gun to my fuckin’ head.
I didn’t know how long I sat there on the couch in my room, battling the urge to drink. Trying to come to terms with the fact my mother had emailed me.
Reached out, starting with an apology.
The truth hit me harder. Only beating me belligerently with each second that passed. It was a slap of reality that made me doubt all the choices I had made.
Bailey.
I couldn’t stop the tears that formed in my eyes just thinking of my little girl. Knowing things would have been different, if I had the support of my mother. I thought I was alone.
I wasn’t.
My hands trembled as I opened the laptop again, instantly clicking on the first email she’d written.
My baby boy,
I don’t know if you will ever read this, but as your mother, I have to try. I’ve spent every night since you left crying myself to sleep. I can’t think about anything other than you. I’m scared for you, worried for you, completely devastated for you. The night of the award ceremony I had a bad feeling I couldn’t shake. When you didn’t show up to support your father, I felt it in my heart. I was waiting for the other shoe to drop, and it came down like a bomb over our heads.
Your song.
The hurt in your voice.
The pain in your face.
It haunts my dreams.
You haunt my dreams.
There are so many things I wish I could go back and change. I think about it all the time. It wasn’t right, what happened that night. I know that now. I’m terrified it might be too late to tell you how sorry I am to have put you through that.
I love you.
I’ve made mistakes, and so have you. I want to move past it, Cash. All your father and I have ever wanted was what was best for you. They don’t hand out books on how to raise your children. You do the best you can. Day in and day out. One day when you have your own kids you’ll understand what it means to unconditionally love them. No matter what.
I need you, Cash. I need my boy.
I never meant to push you away. I was just so upset you showed up drunk and high, and I know that’s not my boy, my son, the child I gave birth to and raised. It wasn’t you. It was like a stranger was staring back at me. I reacted out of fear of what could have happened if you would’ve gotten in a car accident or worse... Died.
I can’t even think about that. It makes me physically ill. I’m so sorry, baby. For everything. I want to make things right. Please, if you read this, call me. I’ll be waiting by the phone, no matter where you are or what time...
I’m here for you.
Always and forever.
With all my love,
Mom
The dagger lodged in my heart twisted a little more. I willed my body and mind to stop reading these emails. To walk the fuck away. To go find comfort in Journey. I didn't need to read this, not now when I was struggling to stay sober.
But the bottle might as well have been in my hand and the contents down my throat.
Things were much clearer now. The truth. It spun around and around in an endless cycle over the