to this world. Thiede had done something to him.’ He stopped pacing.
Flick stood up. ‘What did you do?’
Pellaz uttered a caw of choked laughter. ‘What did I do?’
‘Yes.’
‘Tried to bring him back. I shouldn’t have.’
‘No! You didn’t…’
Pellaz wheeled round to face Flick. ‘What would you have done? He is me. But I hate myself, apparently. What’s left of him doesn’t want me, Flick. It’s over. I betrayed him.’
‘No,’ Flick said again, in a more assertive tone. ‘You didn’t. Did he even recognise you?’
‘He said I was dead. He knows that’s not true, but he said it all the same.’
‘If Thiede had drugged him, he probably wasn’t in his right mind. The last time I saw him he was consumed by his memories of you. He probably didn’t dare believe you could be real.’
‘He knew,’ Pellaz said flatly. ‘He knows about Rue.’
‘Oh. Didn’t you explain?’
‘I tried, but he wasn’t listening. I just wanted to hold him, to bring him back, for us to remember…’ He pressed the heels of his hands against his eyes.
There was a silence, then Flick said, ‘Pell, did you… did you take aruna with him?’
‘It wasn’t that,’ Pellaz said sharply. ‘I can’t call it that. What I did was violation and, yes, it brought him back a little. For all the good it did. He was insane, furious. I could have been the next Orien.’
‘Oh sweet Aru…’ Flick breathed. He wanted to take Pellaz in his arms again, but that moment was past.
Pellaz stood with his back to Flick; his shoulders slumped. When he spoke, he sounded like the young har Flick had known in Saltrock. ‘How do I be good, Flick? How do I put this behind me and be the Tigron everyhar wants me to be? When will his ghost stop tormenting and torturing me? How could Thiede let me find that place and enter it? He knew what would happen.’
‘It’s Thiede you should be mad at, not yourself,’ Flick said. ‘Pell, it’s wrong. Thiede is playing with you all. What’s his motive?’
Pellaz shook his head and said nothing. His hair hid his face.
‘What interest did he have in me?’
Pellaz raised his head. ‘You?’
‘When he sent Gelaming after us in Megalithica. What was the real reason for that?’
‘Who cares?’ Pellaz said coldly. ‘You’re here. You’re free. I could almost hate you for it.’
‘You’re in danger of becoming as insane as Cal is,’ Flick said. ‘Give in to it, Pell. Become your pain. Be like him. End up in a gutter and Rue can dance on your bones. It’d be easy. Trust me.’
Pellaz stared at him for long seconds. ‘Make it go away,’ he said at last.
‘Only you can do that,’ Flick said. ‘Pell, things have got to change. Everything is stale and stagnant and – well, just bad. Cal is very sick. I think he always has been. I was wrong to say what I did to you when we first met up again. He is obsessed with you, and it’s obvious he can never be part of your life again. You must let it go. It’s for the best that Thiede has him locked up. You did need to see him for yourself. Much as I hate to say it, Thiede did the right thing in engineering that. Now, you have seen, and you must put it behind you.’
‘He is my life.’
‘He’s an insane murderer!’ Flick said, more harshly than he intended. ‘I’m sorry. That’s not exactly how I feel about it. I can’t hate Cal, because he’s so ill, but neither can I forget the day that Orien died. I can still smell the blood, Pell, if I think hard enough about it.’
‘You don’t know him like I do,’ Pellaz said, clearly avoiding further disclosures about that incident. ‘He can be healed. I know it. Part of the reason he’s so sick is because of what happened to me. How can I blame him for hating me? He went mad for nothing.’
Flick paused a moment. ‘I know,’ he said. ‘Don’t think I haven’t considered that myself. Of course, you also have to wonder whether he’s always been that way. His life with you was just a respite. There’s no point dwelling on it. Now is the time for change.’ He took a deep breath. ‘I’m sorry, Pell, but there’s something I want to say. I’m sorry I have to say it now, but perhaps that’s part of what needs to be.’
‘What?’
‘I can’t keep seeing you like this. If you want my friendship, it