felt so cold. He was eighteen years old, but felt ninety. What are we doing? he thought. What are we?
He glanced back at the house, solid against the sky, a house built by harish hands, but no different from a house that humans might once have lived in. Aeons ago, a flicker in time, Flick had lived in a very similar house, where there was a magnolia tree near the porch and children’s toys strewn over the lawn. Now he was here and someone else, but there were too many holes in the story, as if he was dreaming and couldn’t wake up.
Have we any right to mimic the past? He thought. Isn’t it a travesty? We should live beneath the stars, howling like coyotes; we should live in tepees or tall towers of stone with no stairs. We should not eat dinner together in candlelight, or drink wine, or talk about inconsequential things. We are not allowed to, and look what happens when we do. The otherness comes creeping in to remind us of what we are. It’s done: he said so. But what?
It was something big, Flick was sure of that. And it wasn’t merely going to touch them – it was going to reach down and grab them and squeeze them of breath.
Without realising he had done so, Flick found he’d gone back into the house and up the stairs to the room he didn’t share with Seel, but was regularly invited to. Seel lay on the bed, smoking a cigarette in semi-darkness. His multi-coloured hair was spread over the pillows. He looked fierce.
‘We can’t hide here,’ Flick said. ‘You do know that, don’t you?’
Seel exhaled; the smoke looked like his own breath. ‘Go away,’ he said.
‘Sometimes, I really want to.’
Seel said nothing to this, as Flick had expected, although he couldn’t have been ignorant of the implications.
Flick went to sit on the bed. ‘Did Orien say anything else?’
‘Nothing that made sense,’ Seel said. ‘I’ve never seen him like that.’
‘He’s afraid.’
‘Yes. He’s a fool. We’re our own hara here.’
‘You – we – invited Thiede in. He’s seen us now. He knows us.’
‘We have no proof that what happened tonight has any connection with that,’ Seel said. ‘It would be a mistake to spook ourselves. Orien is a seer. He just had a moment, that’s all. It could mean anything.’
‘Except that it didn’t.’
‘I told you to get out, didn’t I? What’s keeping you?’
‘You were never like this, Seel, not before…’
‘Get out, Flick. I mean it.’
Anger flared up in Flick’s heart. ‘No!’ he cried, ‘I won’t. I’m not your servant. I’m not even your whore, although you treat me like one.’
‘What the fuck are you talking…’
Flick sliced the air with one hand. ‘No! Listen to me. Tonight was all about Cal. You know it was. Something’s happened and you’re scared he’s dead. Isn’t that right? You and Orien invited something in to Saltrock and you can’t undo it. You know it. I know it. Everyhar knows it. What did Orien see? Tell me! I know you know.’
‘He thinks he’s doomed, OK? Does that satisfy you? He thinks he’s dead.’
‘It’s not just that.’
‘Oh, what the fuck do you want it to be, then? Isn’t that bad enough for a har to see, to experience?’
‘Seel, calm down. This anger is just a defence. What else did Orien see? Why does he feel threatened?’
‘His own death. Can’t you get it? You want a message for yourself? Is that it?’ Seel growled and took a long furious draw off his cigarette. ‘Are you that important, Flick?’
Flick’s heart was beating fast now. He felt dizzy with the hostility that screamed silently round the room. He swallowed slowly and with difficulty, as if past a tumour that had formed in his throat. ‘You were never hostile. You’re becoming like him – you’re becoming Cal. Don’t do it, Seel. You’re better than that.’
Seel’s lips curled into a snarl. ‘You have no right to speak to me like that. I won’t accept it. Get out, before I do or say something I can’t take back.’
‘You never ran from the truth before. You were in balance, with yourself and with others. Can’t you see what’s happening? Is this what you want to be?’ Flick knew he was heading into very dangerous territory, but he had to speak.
Seel sat up abruptly and it took all of Flick’s will not to flinch away. He thought he knew Seel, but perhaps all he did know was what Seel wanted to be.