chews her lower lip and glances down. “I don’t really talk about it to anyone ever. I made my family promise not to bring it up ever again, and they honoured that wish. Then I became so focused on staying sober that I guess the experience sort of got left behind.”
My body aches because I hate the fact that she went through it alone. I know she had her family around her, but she didn’t have a partner or the man that put her in that position to be with her. It reminds me of my mother being pregnant and alone with me.
“How far along were you?”
“Only nine weeks,” she says with a sigh. “I’d just had a scan the week before. The whole experience feels like another lifetime. One moment, I’m debating my options and trying to decide if I was even going to keep the baby. The next, I was having a scan and hearing the heartbeat.”
She clears her throat and begins to mindlessly tear pieces off a slice of bread. “No one can prepare you for that sound. Their heartbeats are really fast in the beginning, and it sounds like the thunder of a galloping horse so it’s hard to believe it’s even a real baby. But the effect it had on me was immediate…which was bizarre because I never fancied myself a mum. I just couldn’t picture myself pregnant. Then, within seconds of hearing that sound, I knew I couldn’t possibly…” Her voice breaks on the end before adding, “Then, just as I began to come around to the idea of being a mum, I lost it. It was over before it even began.” She stops messing with the bread and wipes her hands on her jeans nervously. “Watching Freya’s belly grow isn’t a bother. I was never far enough along to even have that sensation.” Tilly smiles a bit wobbly. “But the other night, Mac placed his hand on Freya’s belly for a full hour waiting for a wee kick, and when it happened…”
Tilly’s voice trails off as tears slip freely down her cheeks. I leave the food at the stove to pull her into my arms. She huffs out a self-deprecating laugh. “It’s been years, Santino. I really don’t need to be comforted.”
“Why not?”
“Because I’m over it. I was just so happy for my brother.”
I run my hand up and down her spine. “But is it something you ever truly get over?”
She doesn’t answer that, just sags into my arms and lets me hold her as the weight of the moment settles around us. Most of the time, Tilly is tough and untouchable. But even five years ago, I remember these quiet moments when she opened up like a butterfly. The only problem was, no one could ever catch her.
She pulls back and smiles up at me through watery eyes. “I’m going to be an amazing aunt, I’ll have you know. And aunts have it so much easier, right? We get to drop the wee ones off when we’re done with them. Spoil them rotten and not be bothered with middle of the night feedings or sore nipples. It’s brilliant, really.”
I push her hair back from her face, swiping at the trail of leftover tears. “I think you’re incredible.”
“Why?” she huffs with a laugh, turning away from me and resisting my words.
“Because you’ve coped with a lot, and now you’re here volunteering to be a caretaker for your pregnant sister-in-law…most wouldn’t be able to handle it.” She turns back to look at me, and I don’t miss the slight twitch to her nose as she ponders what I’ve said.
“I love them.” She lifts her eyebrows and shrugs. “And I like a challenge.”
“This I already knew.” I lean down to kiss her lips softly, loving how she wraps her arms around my waist and squeezes me like she needs a hug and a kiss all at once. When her stomach grumbles between the two of us, we break apart laughing. “We really need to get this dinner going.”
“Yes, we do.”
We manage not to burn anything, mostly because I keep Tilly away from the oven, and she sets the table beautifully. We take our time eating the antipasto, primo, and secondo. Tilly savours each course and asks questions about how I made everything even though I know she will never attempt it.
When I bring out the cannoli and make us espressos, apparently, it’s Tilly’s turn to ask me the tough questions.
“Have you ever been in love?”