straightening my posture. “But, Mom, there’s no way I’m going to let you blame yourself for his mistake. He stepped out on you and slept with another woman while you were at home being faithful to him. I don’t care about the environment of the home. I don’t care if you two weren’t talking for weeks and sleeping in different rooms. You were still married.” I may not know a hell of a lot about relationships but that's one thing I believe without question.
Her stare is piercing as she takes me in, her eyes scrolling down my face. “That’s fair,” she says before releasing a long breath. “I’m going to take a few days to think about everything, then I’ll decide what I want to do.”
I nod and we both pick up our forks and begin eating.
It's nearly 7:45 p.m. when I leave. My thoughts are heavy as I slide back into my car and start the ignition. Instead of driving away, I stare at my phone trying to figure out who I should respond to. Both Shana and Jordan messaged me while I was having dinner, wondering where I was. Jordan, of course, wants to know when I'm coming back.
My stomach still churns at the idea of going back to his house tonight. I thought I prepared myself for this. I had an inkling that this could possibly go awry, but I so badly wanted it to be real. It was one of those things that felt like a worst-case scenario. Like a bridge collapsing while I’m driving over it.
The worst-case scenario is the bridge falls and I crash to my death. It's not likely, but that's how I felt about what went on with me and Jordan last night. Not likely, but the worst case, and apparently I didn’t prepare myself enough. As much as it frightens me to see him right now, I’m almost just as frightened not to. But there's no way that Jordan isn't feeling something about all this. This is huge. I'm just not ready to hear anything else he has to say. Not yet.
If I go back over there and he pretends it's just another day, we sit down and go back to studying and watching TV, joking around like he was wasn't just inside me twenty-four hours ago, that would kill me. But if I go back and he's all loving and sweet and sorry, that will kill me too.
I really need more time to come to terms with this alone before letting his response, or lack thereof, guide my emotions. I need to be strong for me, strong for my mother, and if there is any real chance for my friendship with Jordan to survive this, then I’ll have to create some separation for a while. Let my heart heal and move on.
The muffled sound of a dog barking reaches my ears at the same time I see Miss Johnson from next door running down the middle of the street chasing her corgi, who’s always getting off the leash. You’d think by now she’d have gotten a fence. I watch until she disappears from view, then go back to the task at hand.
My finger hovers over Jordan’s name on my phone as my mind races for the right words to tell him. How do I say I don't want to see you right now without saying I don't want to see you?
I decide on a long explanation. How I’m going to spend a few days with Mom and I think we can use a little distance so things won't be so weird. Maybe I should just stop by and talk to him in person?
The sound of a car door slamming startles me and I look up to see Jordan’s father, John, waving in my direction. I wave back, sticking my hand out the window, and watch as he disappears into the house. I wonder if he knows what’s going on with my parents. My father and John are like brothers. They share everything and it wouldn't surprise me if Dad crashed with him while he and Mom are going through this.
My gaze is fixed on John’s house as I watch him close his blinds. What if he’s known all along about Dad’s little coffee whore? What if he smiled at my mother, pretending to be a friend when in actuality he was holding onto my father’s sinful secret? Pressure starts to build in my chest and my thoughts begin to topple