truth because talking about it would just make it more real. Maybe I was right? Maybe forcing myself to forget it ever happened was the right answer. Fuck, what possessed me to even say that? Why did I ask him if he thought it shouldn’t have happened? What if, for just a second, he was considering the other option. The one where we finally let things grow between us? Then I went and smacked him in the face with a question that pointed out how totally awkward it was… or should have been. But it wasn’t. Not for me, at least. Who knows. My redirection was probably better than whatever he was about to say.
You know, I love you, but…
But what?
But last night was horrible? Whatever it was, it was best that I initiated the letdown instead of listening to him do it. Because I know that I would never be able to look at him the same way again if I heard him say those words. At least now we’ll be able to go back to the way things were. I hope.
Shana lies on her back, her feet crossed at the ankles on her bed. Though she’s still in her pajamas, she's not asleep and she looks at me as soon as the door opens.
“Hey,” She says a little too cheerfully for my current mood. “You’re here pretty early,”
“Yeah,” I say keeping my eye contact limited. I walk over to my side of the room, drop my book bag on my desk, and start emptying my pockets onto my nightstand. I can finally breathe. I left my duffel bag behind, which sucks, but I couldn't get it out the closet with him sitting there. I won't let this ruin our friendship and I know if I don’t go back to him tonight he will feel horrible. He’ll know I’m not okay with how everything played out but he’ll guess the wrong reason. He’ll assume it’s shame or embarrassment, probably. He’d never guess it’s disappointment. That I was so stupid to think he was actually in love with me. Maybe I needed this wake-up call. I know I should go back to his place, for our friendship if nothing else, but I just don’t know.
“What’s up? You and Jordan get into an argument or something?”
“Or something,” I say under my breath.
“Huh?” She swings her feet from her bed and leans in my direction, placing her elbows on her knees. Our room isn’t all that big but the space between our beds is about a third of the size.
“No, I just wanted to come back. My head wasn’t into hanging out with anyone today.”
“Even Jordan? That’s surprising.” Her eyes narrow with curiosity as she peers at me.
“Yeah, even Jordan today,” I say, noticing the look on her face. She’s not going to let this go. My phone chimes and I happily break eye contact with her to fish it from my pocket but as soon as I read the message the weight that had lifted from my chest returns.
Mom: Dinner will be later than usual. Dad won’t be getting home till around 6pm. Are you still coming?
Tears pool in my eyes and I look up at Shana as I attempt to blink them away. She, of course, is still watching and when we make eye contact again she silently walks over and sits next to me. My hand shakes as I type a quick response to my mother, telling her I’ll be there at five. Then I toss my phone on my bed. I wasn’t sure until this moment, but I think I’m going to tell my mother everything. I’ll get there early and warn her what this dinner is really all about. I love my mom, and watching my father gut her will kill me.
“Okay,” Shana says, sitting cross legged and adjusting herself to face me. “What’s going on? You’ve been an emotional mess all week. Talk to me,” she pleads.
I take a deep breath and decide to spill, letting everything out. I tell her what happened at the coffee shop and how my father is a cheating asshole. About the dinner tonight and how Jordan came to pick me up because I was so down.
“So, that’s why you left your car. I thought that was pretty odd.” She nods.
“Yeah, you know how Jordan can be, so I let him drive me.”
“But that still doesn’t explain why you left his house so early.”
The words are on the tip of my