something broke free and we were in raw form. There was nothing awkward, nothing uncomfortable, the girl I knew as my best friend was gone and I’m sure she didn’t recognize who I turned into as I ravished her body without mercy. “I didn't hurt you, did I? "
"No. I'm good, you didn't hurt me." Her tone is indiscernible, there’s no inflection. Just plain, careful. I don’t know what to do with this.
“Okay," I respond.
Silence.
I’m just standing in the middle of the room, not sure if I should sit down or give her space. I hate this already. She looks up at me, her eyes falling on my bare legs, then she looks the other way, pushing her curly hair away from her face.
Silence.
It takes me a second to realize I’m still in my boxers, so I grab the shorts I had on last night and slip them on. She watches as I walk over to join her on the bed, her eyes large and searching, but she is still silent. And worst of all, for the first time in my life I witness another look on her face. She’s uncomfortable. A line appears between her brows and she keeps dropping her eyes to the floor like she can only look at me in short spurts. Her fingers tangle in her curls. My heart sinks. Because if her silence wasn’t clear enough, the look on her face is.
“So, last night, umm. I—” I start, but my words die on my tongue along with my nerve. I was about to say I didn’t mean for it to happen but I can’t look at her face and lie. I meant every moment of it. So I clear my throat and change my tone. “It was unexpected.”
“Yeah.” She exhales, glancing at me. “We had way too much to drink.”
“Yup.” Her eyes find mine, and for the first time, she doesn’t look away. She still looks extremely tense though, and the sight makes me feel sicker than the alcohol.
“It was… amazing,” I say. “You are amazing, Xia. You know how much I love you. But…”
“But, it shouldn’t have happened, right?” she says, cutting me off.
I hesitate, because no, I wasn’t going to say that. I was going to say I wish I had told her how I felt sooner. But I’m not going to. I’m not going to say that because the look she's giving me makes it clear she is trying to find a way to make this all go away. Fuck. Me. Something deep in my chest breaks. I’m struck with a choking feeling, like I’ll never have her the way I want her, like I’ll always be in the friend zone. Like she doesn’t want the same thing I do. Her eyes are full of questions as she blinks almost too rapidly. Now I have to decide to either live with this knowledge or tell her how I feel and let our friendship die on unrequited love. The choice hurts life fuck, but there’s only one answer.
“Yeah, this was a mistake,” I say, standing from the bed and running a hand through my hair. “I don’t want this to break us,”
“It won’t. Our friendship means too much to me,” she says seeming to deflate. “We had way too many drinks. You were on a high from your big win yesterday, and confused after breaking up with Felicia. And I was just depressed, right?” Her words come in rambles. “We were just…” Her gaze falls back on me and she pauses a second before finishing her statement with a heavy breath. “Confused.”
“Okay.” I nod, holding her gaze.
“Okay.” she repeats.
Another brief moment of awkwardness rolls between us and I think that maybe if I take a minute, reset my shit, then I’ll be able to go on pretending. I imagine she may need a moment to herself too.
“I’m going to run and get us some water. Be back in a second.”
“All right.” She falls back on my pillow still looking miserable and I feel bad for her. Roman always buys the cheapest beer, and I should have warned her to take it easy. I turn and walk toward the door, already feeling a little less tense the further I get away from the bed. I’ll be fine; I just need a minute to let it all sink in. I grab the door handle, swing it open, and almost piss myself when I find Felicia standing on the other side. She stands poised with