to do just that.
"I didn't notice it at first," I breathed, my skin prickling as memories of the girl I'd been for Shawn tickled at my subconscious. "But after a couple of months of us hooking up on and off, seeing him at parties and him turning up at the apartment I was sharing with a few other guys when he was horny, he told me he didn't want me where he couldn't find me all the time anymore. He said that if I was his girl he'd take care of me, and I wouldn't have to worry about assholes hanging around me, trying to take something that was his."
Fox growled at that word, his grip on my ankles tightening like the idea of Shawn ever having any kind of claim on me burned him up inside.
"So what? He moved you in with him?"
I shook my head. "He had some properties here and there, nothing fancy, but he said they were safe houses for if anything ever went to shit and he needed somewhere to run to." Fox nodded and I was sure that was something him and his crew had all over town too. "So he put me up in a little apartment not too far from his place and for a while, that all seemed great. I'd never really had any space to myself, and I paid him a couple hundred bucks a month in rent which he always laughed at, but he took my money all the same, saying I could be an independent woman if I wanted to be."
"Where were you getting that money?"
I shrugged. "The usual. Running jobs, boosting cars. There was a chop shop not too far from my apartment and I could steal whatever I needed."
"Right, so you were somewhat independent," Fox said the word like he hated it and I snorted.
"Of course I wasn't. But I didn't see that, I guess. If I'm honest, I don't think I wanted to. Life was easy. So fucking easy. I didn't have to sleep with one eye open or worry about the next person waiting to fuck me over. And after eight years of that shit, I was just so fucking tired. Shawn offered me a reprieve and I took it because I was so sick of fighting against the tide every goddamn day just to survive."
"I'm never going to be able say I'm sorry enough over those years," Fox said, his hands shifting up the backs of my calves as he leaned into me. "I've never wanted anything so badly as I wish for a do-over with you. To go back to that night when you killed Axel and do it all differently. Maybe we could have called my dad. Or maybe we should have just run right there and then and never looked back."
I swallowed a lump in my throat and shook my head. "The past is already written," I muttered. "And the future is out of our hands. All we have is right now."
"Well right now, all I want is to hold you in my arms and never let go," Fox growled, trying to tug me down into his lap, but I drew back.
"That's the problem though, Fox," I said, moving my right hand from his hair down to skim the line of his strong jaw as he looked up at me with those deep green eyes of his. "I can't be someone's captive again. The girl I was when I was with Shawn..."
I trailed off and looked away from him, but he caught my jaw and made me meet his gaze again.
"Tell me," he commanded, holding me there.
"I'm not even sure when it started," I said slowly, trying to explain it. "It happened so slowly, bit by bit, like this wall being built around me one brick at a time. I never noticed any of the bricks as they were laid, but one day I found myself trapped inside a wall which I couldn't remember how to scale anymore."
The confusion in Fox's eyes coupled with the pain I could see there over him not understanding this pushed me to go on, and I blew out a breath as I continued.
"Sometimes he'd call and tell me to dress up nice for him and come over, so I would. But then he'd give me this look when I arrived like...I dunno really, but I'd know I'd fucked up. He'd say something like, 'did my men think my girl was coming over to see