unable to do anything other than stand in them and slump against the walls in agony.
Strong arms banded around me and I was hoisted back off of the ground just as the door swung open and several nurses and a doctor hurried in.
"Let me go," I demanded, fighting against Fox as he shoved me down onto the bed, ignoring the way my fingernails were slicing into the skin of his arms as I thrashed and tried to force him to release me.
I was vaguely aware of JJ informing the nurse about what was happening and people rushing all around me as Fox shoved me down against the mattress and used his weight on my shoulders to keep me there.
"We'll give her a sedative," the doctor said between my yells and I started cursing.
"Let me go!" I screamed. "I'm warning you, Fox, I'll never forgive you for this if you don't take me out there! He needs us! Chase needs us!"
Fox shushed me, his eyes brimming with emotion as the sharp scratch of a needle drove into my arm.
"You need to rest, hummingbird," he said, his grip on me only loosening when the drugs began to steal the strength from my limbs and all I could do was glare at him as I slumped back against the bed.
"I'm so sorry, pretty girl," JJ choked out, wrapping his fingers between mine as a long blink slipped across my vision.
I turned my gaze to him as a tear finally slipped free of my control and tracked a path down my cheek.
"He saved me," I breathed, my voice so low that even I couldn't hear it and JJ's brow furrowed as he leaned in, trying to catch the words.
I blinked once more and this time, I couldn't open my eyes again after. My fingers fell slack in JJ's grip and the only thing I was left with in the dark was pain.
Memories of the boy I'd lost welled up in my heart and I slipped away from consciousness with them destroying me, two bright blue eyes staring back into my soul from that corner of my heart which would always belong to Chase Cohen.
He saved me.
And now he was gone.
T he weeks slipped by and I felt like my chest was in a vice, the metal closing over my heart tighter and tighter day by day. JJ was still angry with me, and Rogue seemed so broken that I didn’t know what to do. I was trying to juggle the running of the Crew and the attacks across town from Shawn’s gang while starting to rebuild something normal in my home. It was impossibly hard and left me exhausted, every moment of every day another trial I had to weather.
JJ spent a lot time out of the house and when he was here, he headed off into Chase’s room with Rogue where they’d talk about old times and I’d find myself listening at the door, wishing I belonged in that room with them. But I didn’t. I was an outsider to this grief, unwelcome to it because of the actions I’d taken against Chase. I knew deep down JJ just needed someone to punish, to blame, but weeks of his anger and rejection were taking its toll on me. So today I wanted to try and fix it.
I headed upstairs with a plate of nachos, walking to Chase’s room with my heart ripping down the middle. JJ’s anger had only burned a deeper hole of guilt in my chest over Chase than I’d already been subjected to. But I couldn’t regret what I’d done. I couldn’t have known things would end up this way, and it wasn’t my fault that he’d been at The Dollhouse the night Shawn had brought it down.
The fact that he’d saved Rogue left my head spinning and placed an ache in me which I tried not to examine. I couldn’t grieve in a normal way, not when I’d put Chase on his knees outside this house and pressed a gun to his head. I’d been so close to pulling that trigger, and I’d wondered afterwards if I should have. Because traitors didn’t get second chances in this Crew and he hadn’t just betrayed me and JJ, he’d betrayed Rogue. He’d hurt Rogue. And that was unforgiveable, no matter what way I looked at it.
I knocked on the door and Rogue and JJ’s voices fell quiet.
“Can I come in?” I asked when neither of them said anything.
“No,” JJ said just