a long drink of it, letting it burn away the ache in my chest a little before watching as she and JJ sank two large measures.
Rogue kicked her feet back and forth in the pool, resting her head on JJ’s shoulder while her fingers interlocked with mine.
I bathed in the comfort of their company, not wanting to be anywhere else in the world right then and mentally deciding to put off all Crew responsibilities for today. I just needed to be around my family and cling to their presence, facing the huge cavity in my chest where Chase belonged. The five of us were never going to sit together again and though that had been fairly obvious where Maverick was concerned, now it made that reality permanent. And it just plain fucking hurt. I thought of Maverick saving me at The Dollhouse, chewing over the meaning of that once again. I’d probably never understand his motivations, but I knew for sure it hadn’t been because he cared about me. Maverick had stopped feeling anything for me years ago, the gunshot scar on my neck was proof of that.
“I don’t want to say goodbye,” Rogue said, her voice unsteady as she took a cigarette from the box.
“Maybe we don’t have to,” JJ said. “Maybe it’s better to keep thinking he’s going to show up again, maybe I don’t wanna stop feeling like he’s right round the corner or in the next room or down at Raiders Gym.”
“Yeah,” Rogue agreed and I guessed that wasn’t the worst idea in the world, though I didn’t want that to mean their pain went on longer than necessary.
Then again, if I was being really honest, I knew saying goodbye wouldn’t erase our pain anyway. Chase wasn’t just going to be forgotten or moved on from, he was too integral to us. When Maverick had cut us off, I’d at least known he was out there, hating us maybe, but not gone. There’d been a small sort of comfort in that, even though it hurt like a bitch.
Wherever Chase was now, I knew he was still as attached to us as he always was, just as my adopted brother was too. The five of us couldn’t escape each other, even in death. It was something intangible I couldn’t really explain but which lived in us like our souls were tethered together by unbreakable chains. And wherever it was that he’d gone in death, I knew one day we’d follow Chase there, because our souls would hunt for their counterparts to the ends of the universe. And I was fairly sure they wouldn’t find true peace until they were together once more.
***
I woke with my arms wrapped around Rogue and the rough brush of a man’s fingers on my arm. My eyes cracked open and I inhaled the scent of Chase, Rogue and JJ. We were in his room again, the three of us taken to sleeping here together – well four of us if you counted Mutt. He was currently wedged in between my head and Rogue’s, curled up in a tiny ball with his little paw over his nose. His butt was pointed towards me of course, but I had hope that him being willing to sleep so close to me meant he might start coming around to me again one of these days.
None of us commented on the strange sleeping arrangement we’d come to, we just all seemed to end up here night after night, watching Chase’s collection of horror movies on his TV and falling asleep way after midnight as we reminisced about the good times in our childhood. It was nostalgic, peaceful, but I knew I was hiding from reality. Every day I was avoiding too many of my tasks, putting off my duties so I could just be at home with Rogue and JJ. Luther was hounding my ass for a meeting, but I wanted a little longer. Just a few more days.
I shut my eyes, holding Rogue tighter and letting the weight of sleep fall back over me so that I didn’t have to face the truth again. Because every day when I woke up, I remembered that Chase was dead. And that truth never seemed to get any easier to face.
A door slammed downstairs and I bolted upright, making Rogue roll into my spot and JJ roll with her so he faceplanted her tits.
Gah. I shoved him off of her and he flopped onto his back with a groan.