are years of words I’ve been trying to say. Trying to show you.
The morning you opened the door, and I saw you again, it was like my life had meaning again. I was going through the motions and never truly living when I was with my family. Life was dull. I did what I had to do for my family.
Then we started again.
I know I’ve hurt you, and I know you blame me for the accident. I am so sorry, and I’ll be sorry for the rest of my life. I’m asking you to please not shut me out. I love you. I love Alex. I love the life we were trying to create. It’s my fuck up that’s made us this way, but I’m begging you to give me another chance. To give us another chance.
You’re my heart, Ashley. My reason for living.
Alex is my world. As soon as I saw him, my heart opened again. My heart came alive.
You and Alex are the reason for my life.
When you’re ready, I’ll be here.
I’ll always be waiting for you.
I love you.
Clayton
I clench the letter to my chest and let the tears fall from my eyes. Am I being harsh? Am I the roadblock to our happily ever after?
A few days pass, and Clayton’s coming by to see Alex. It’s hard, and I hate the idea of still being apart.
My eyes fill with tears, thinking about how miserable Alex is and how Clayton’s hurting. I’m the bad guy. I’m keeping them away from one another.
Dinner’s almost ready, and Alex is still in his room. When I walk out to get him, I see him coming out of his bedroom door with a bag.
“What’s that?”
He looks at me and then looks away, continuing to walk with his bag and not talking to me.
“Alex.” I walk to him and stand before him. “Don’t ignore me. Please let me know what’s going on.”
“You’re keeping him away. He’s my daddy, and I want him here. Why are you doing this?” Tears fill his eyes. “Why won’t you let him come back?”
“Honey, you don’t get it. You got hurt, and it broke my heart.”
“I’m better. I miss him, and you’re not being fair. I just want my dad.” Alex walks around me, sobbing and muttering under his breath. “I don’t like this.”
“I don’t either. I’m sorry this is happening, but please understand. You have to understand why I’m doing this.”
“No! This isn’t fair.”
Alex throws his bag and looks at me. I have no idea what I’m doing or what the right decision is. The accident is fresh in my head, and I see Alex in the hospital bed. I see my baby hurt.
What else am I supposed to do?
The door opens, and Alex sees that it’s Clayton and rushes to his side. I see them hugging, and Alex sobbing in his arms.
I’m the bad guy.
I’m keeping them apart.
This is killing all of us.
Clayton looks up at me and then to Alex. He says something before Alex heads to his bedroom. I’m standing, frozen, looking at Clayton and wondering how this is hurting everyone.
“I’m sorry,” I mutter. “I’m sorry.” It’s all I can say.
Clayton comes to me and places his hands on my shoulders. “I get it. Okay?”
I shake my head. “No. I don’t. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have told you to leave. We’re trying to build our family, and you’re his dad. He misses you.” I pause, unsure of what to say. “I miss you.”
“I miss you, baby. I get it, though. You needed to feel safe again.”
“Why are you being understanding? Be mad at me. Hate me. Do something.”
Clayton leans down and kisses my forehead. “No. I don’t hate you. I’m going to come back, and we’re going to be a family. We’re going to work things out. No more giving each other space, Ashley. We can’t figure things out if we’re not together. I need you to see that. I need you to understand where I’m coming from.”
Clayton leads me to the living room, and we sit on the couch. I’m not fully ready to look at him. I’m not fully prepared to look at myself.
“Listen, don’t beat yourself up. I’m here now. We’re going to talk about this and be okay.”
“How can we be okay? I kicked you out when things got hard. I thought I was doing the right thing.”
“You were. You love Alex, and you’re protecting him. I needed space too, Ashley. I didn’t feel right being here.”
“What?”
Clayton takes my hand