can tell him to ask who it is before opening the door.
It’s been two weeks since I’ve seen Clayton. He’s been out of town for work, and I’m not ready to see him again. I’m not ready to have Alex see him either. He’s been asking for his dad and wondering when he’ll come back and hang out.
Letting Clayton come over tonight seems to be too much. Alex has been looking forward to tonight since I told him. He didn’t question whether or not he’d come over. It’s like he knows his father will show up, and he doesn’t have to wonder.
Unlike me.
“Hey.” I turn and look at Clayton. “I got you these.” He hands the bouquet to Alex, and he gives it to me.
“These are pretty, Mama.”
“Yeah. Pretty.” I avoid eye contact with Clayton. I don’t want to think about him being here. “So, dinner’s almost ready.”
“Yes!” Alex turns to his dad. “Mom makes the best spaghetti. She told me I have to eat my veggies. Do you like veggies?”
“Love them. It’s important to eat all the greens.”
Alex shrugs and takes Clayton’s hand. They disappear, and I finally let out the breath I’ve been holding since he walked into the kitchen.
My kitchen.
I spent some moments thinking about how it’ll be if I take Clayton back. We’d be a family, and Alex wouldn’t have to see his dad on a schedule. Can I do that for him?
The rational part of me screams and internally shakes me. I can’t think of possibly taking him back. As much as I love him, as much as I want to give Alex a family, I need to think about what would happen if I take Clayton back and if he bails again.
Clayton comes into the kitchen and places his hands in his pockets. “So I need to ask you something.”
I brace myself. “Sure. What’s up?”
“I’d like to spend more time with Alex. Even if it’s an hour or two. Will that be okay?”
“When would you like to do that?”
“Anytime that works for you.”
I try to hide my disdain. “We can play it ear by ear. Did you have a day in mind?”
“Like I said, whatever works for you. If I can take him to camp or even pick him up. I’d like to help you out as much as possible. I’d like to be there for him and get to know him. I won't bullshit you. There are walls surrounding you and Alex, and I understand why you have them. If you ask me something, I’m going to be honest.”
“We can take it day by day. There’s something I want to ask you.” I watch Clayton let out a heavy breath. “Am I fooling myself?”
“I know what you’re thinking and why. I’m not saying this because of Alex. I had the best life with my parents and saw the love my dad has for my mom. He puts her above everything. He puts Nolan and me above everything. I see their love, and it’s empowering. It’s incredible. We may not end up together, and even though I’ll wish that with all my heart, I’m still going to do whatever it takes to get you back, and I’m going to make you see how I’ve changed and how I want to give Alex a good life.” His eyes hold mine. “I’ve missed his birthdays and all the holidays. If you let me, I won’t miss those days and nights anymore. I want to see his face on Christmas morning. I want to see him blow out his candles and open presents. I want it all.”
The tears are threatening, and I have to hold it together. I won’t let him see me cry. I won’t allow him to watch me fall apart. “Dinner’s ready, so why don’t you get Alex.”
Clayton nods and smiles, leaving the kitchen, and I lean back around the counter.
What am I going to do?
After dinner and watching Clayton read Alex a bedtime story, we say good night to him and walk into the living room. He takes a step forward, dipping his head to capture my gaze.
“Thank you for letting me come over and spending time with you guys. I’d like to do this more often, but I’m going to wait until you ask me to come over.”
My heart speeds with his nearness, his scent traps my attention, and his warmth settles deep within my belly.
This isn’t how it should be. He shouldn’t be able to cause these feelings.
“Um…” I fumble over