you were straight on the blower to Harry?’
My heart sinks. ‘I texted him last night because I was worried. I hoped you’d get them back for me, but I wondered if he knew if there were copies, just in case,’ I say.
‘What’s it got to do with him?’
‘He used to be Chloe’s social worker,’ I start to explain, as I realise I’m trying to justify a text to a work colleague and I shouldn’t have to. ‘What is this, Alex? What the hell’s wrong with you?’
He suddenly looks like he’s about to cry. ‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry.’ He walks over to me, arms open. ‘I feel like yesterday was a watershed for us. I told you about Helen and I’m worried it’s changed how you feel about me. I know it’s made you feel insecure, but the whole thing’s made me feel the same – I wouldn’t blame you for leaving me, for running off with someone simple and uncomplicated like Harry.’
‘Oh Alex,’ I say, warmth flooding through me. I reach out to his open arms and we embrace. ‘You know it’s ridiculous to imagine me leaving you for Harry – right?’
He rests his chin on my head as he hugs me close. ‘I’ve wrecked everything, haven’t I? Because I’ve been cheated on before, I imagine all kinds of stuff, say stupid things. If you want me to leave now, then I’ll just go.’
I take his hand and lead him to the sofa, where he lies down and rests his head in my lap. I stroke his hair, like a mother would a heart-broken child, and keep telling him it’s fine, we’re fine, and he mustn’t be upset. He closes his eyes, and I put my head back on the sofa and think about the last twenty-four hours and wonder if this has changed my feelings towards him, or if I can just carry on as before.
‘I want us to get back to where we were,’ Alex says. ‘Can we forget about yesterday and move on, Hannah?’
I nod slowly, and pat him on the shoulder. ‘Obviously it will be easier when you’re officially divorced, but it might make me feel weird about spending time at your place, her place.’
He suddenly seems to come alive, and what we’ve just talked about seems to be instantly wiped away. ‘Then I’ll make it your place! I can have it redecorated, buy new furniture, change everything. What colour would you like the walls?’
‘You don’t have to do that.’ I smile. ‘I just need time to recalibrate.’
‘Okay.’
‘And if… if she asks to meet you again, will you tell me?’
‘I won’t see her again. We’ll just talk through our solicitors from now on.’
‘You don’t have to do that, but perhaps if you do ever need to meet for some reason – maybe just take me along?’
He suddenly loses the colour in his face. ‘No, we couldn’t do that,’ he says, looking down at the sofa. He starts to pick at the fabric.
‘I don’t mean we all do lunch or anything, that would be awkward. But if she suggests meeting, then we could go together. If she meets me, she might get the message that you’re happy, you’ve moved on and there’s no going back.’
‘She won’t, she… she would hate that,’ he says, shutting it down, horrified.
‘I’m not exactly loving the idea myself. But it might help her to accept things.’
He just shakes his head; he doesn’t want to even talk about it.
I understand he doesn’t want his ex-wife and new girlfriend to meet, it might be difficult, but this is about clarity. I just hope he really was honest and clear with her yesterday, and I hope he’s been honest about me.
I don’t want to push him, so leave it for now and change the subject. ‘You mentioned breakfast?’ I say.
‘Yeah, I’ll pop out for something.’
‘I’m not exactly a domestic goddess, am I?’ I joke.
‘No.’ He smiles. ‘I did wonder when was the last time you ran a vacuum over this carpet.’
‘Wow,’ I murmur. I’m a little taken aback, and torn between thinking ‘how dare he?’ and feeling slightly ashamed. I’m already embarrassed about him seeing the empty fridge and threadbare sofa. But I didn’t even think about the state of the carpet. Although I only vacuumed it the other day and I’ve been staying at his since then, so it can’t be that messy.
As he kisses me on the forehead and gets up and leaves, I sit for a while in silence, thinking. I don’t