information I had to help things along,’ he says with such sincerity, as if he really doesn’t understand what the problem is.
‘But, Alex, it’s dishonest! You let me think we wanted the same things – but you’d just copied everything I’d said. Love isn’t a shopping list – it’s about two people being honest and open with each other, and you’re not, you never have been,’ I cry, realising from the start this relationship has been a lie.
‘How can you say that?’ His eyes are pleading with me.
‘So many reasons, and apart from hanging around the bar before you knew me, ticking off my list, there was also that small matter of you not telling me you were MARRIED!’ I yell out of frustration and anger and hurt. ‘There are always so many layers – so many lies with you, I can’t believe I’ve let this go on so long, just thinking you’ll change, that we have a chance.’
‘Hannah, don’t say that. I just sometimes find it hard to tell you everything, because I think you’ll fall out of love with me. Please don’t end this – please! I just want to love you, and for you to love me back,’ he’s saying, grabbing both my arms with his hands, making me face him, trying to make me look at him. ‘And I didn’t lie about wanting the same things as you do – for the record, I really love yellow Labradors, I want three kids. And Devon seems pretty lovely.’ He’s breathless, his face is in mine, his hands still gripping both my upper arms.
‘You’ve never been to Devon before?’ I say into the thick, tense silence.
‘No, not until today, but that doesn’t matter. I know I’ll love the place as much as you do. I already love it as much as you do.’
‘That’s not the point though… you lied, you told me you loved it here.’ I try, but he’s not listening, he’s bearing down. His eyes are on mine, but he’s not seeing me.
‘I bet she couldn’t wait to send you that photo. She’s been trying to split us up all along.’
‘Alex, why aren’t you getting this? It isn’t about Jas, it’s about you. I’ve spent the last few months believing I love you, wanting to be in love so much, that I’ve ignored the red flags.’
‘There are no red flags. And I’ve told you, I’ll change, just tell me what to do,’ he urges. ‘What do you want, Hannah? I’ll do anything to keep us together – I can’t live without you.’
‘I thought I loved you, Alex, but now I don’t know. Perhaps I just fell for the man I met on our first date. But I’m not sure he exists.’
Tears are forming in his eyes, and I know this is killing him, it’s killing me too, because I do still love him, I can’t just turn it off.
‘I can understand how finding out that I saw you before and never said anything—’
‘And lied about dogs and… Devon and so much more,’ I interrupt him to say.
‘But, Hannah, think about it, if you had a Facebook page, I might have looked on there and seen similar things, your likes and dislikes, your dreams. I didn’t do anything harmful, or creepy – honestly.’
‘But the fact you didn’t tell me makes me feel that I can’t trust you, Alex. I feel like I start to trust you and then something else comes along and all that trust goes again.’
‘Hannah, please, please don’t let this tear us apart, it’s just Jas being jealous and twisted and trying to make me look weird. I would have told you about seeing you in the wine bar…’
‘Would you? You mean, like everything else you didn’t tell me?’
He looks down, starts caressing my hand. I don’t respond, I just stare ahead into the fire that’s now smoking rather than flickering.
‘I’m going to make pasta for dinner,’ he says. ‘You’ll love it. I thought it would be nice to hole up in here, eat ourselves stupid, drink wine and lock the world out. It’s going to be perfect, Hannah, just you and me.’
He hasn’t heard a word I’ve said. He thinks if he makes everything cosy and cooks a meal it will erase all the problems. I used to think that too, and as someone who once dreamed of a home and a family, I believed that a future with a loving partner in a beautiful house was worth everything. But it isn’t, and