things for me too. So why is this not making me happy? I’m trying to think of the positives, to get that feeling back, to love him like I did yesterday, but I keep hearing the thud as that guy hit the pavement. Alex’s fear, his cowardice. The blood ribboning through rainwater. Can I ever get over that?
I think about what Jas said, the gym garage, the home office, the way he wants to drive me everywhere, how he turns up on my nights out with friends. The subtle, almost intangible ways he makes me feel slightly uncomfortable to be with anyone else but him. Do I want this for the rest of my life? Some women might like the attention. Helen ran away once, perhaps she felt like I do now? But she soon realised she’d made a mistake and came running back. I’m sure she’d love to be in my position now, as the object of his affections gazing out at the garden from behind her state-of-the-art Apple Mac, no pressure to work, just to hang around all day being worshipped. Alex would love his partner to be safely at her desk in the spare room never venturing out without him, or talking to other human beings. But that’s not for me, and I won’t change for him. He’s either got to accept me as I am, be happy with my independence, and learn to trust me, or we won’t be able to move forward.
I gaze out the window, the scenery is peppered white with snow, but becoming more rugged. I need to stop looking for negatives, and turning kind gestures into something other. I take a deep breath, and as the white sky meets the white ground, I tell myself to embrace this romantic, Christmassy weekend – and give Alex another chance.
But then my phone pings, and he shoots a look at me. ‘Who is it?’
I look down at the screen. ‘Jas.’
‘Shit! Can she not leave you alone? Honestly, Hannah, it’s like she’s with us everywhere we go.’
‘She’s only asking me if we’re there yet,’ I say.
My phone pings again, and Alex sighs and grips the steering wheel a little tighter, which irritates me. I don’t want to start a row while he’s driving, but accepting Jas as part of my life is something else I need to address with him.
Babe, text me the address of where you’re staying. Harry and Gem are visiting friends in Somerset this weekend, so if things go pear-shaped, you can always get a lift back with them.
I text her the address. I’m not expecting things to be bad enough that I’ll need a lift back, but always better to be safe than sorry.
‘She’s so bloody jealous,’ Alex is saying. ‘She’d love to be you, heading out on a weekend away.’ He overtakes a car in front a little too fast.
‘Watch it, Alex,’ I say, as the car swerves slightly. Everywhere is turning white before our eyes, and the road is becoming slippery. ‘And don’t flatter yourself, Jas doesn’t want to be heading out for a weekend away with you,’ I say nastily, my anger getting the better of me.
‘She would,’ he insists.
It’s the way he says it that gets my attention. ‘What are you talking about?’
He sighs. ‘I wasn’t going to say anything, but Jas – she told me she likes me.’
‘Likes you? In what way?’
‘Likes me, as in she fancies me.’
Surely he’s teasing, it couldn’t be further from the truth. ‘You’re not being serious, are you, Alex?’
‘Yes.’ His eyes are on the road, so I can’t see them, but his voice is serious. ‘She told me. When you all went out on your works do, and I left you in the car and went back into the bar to tell her I was taking you home.’
‘Yes, but you said she was chatting with a group of guys at the bar.’
‘Yeah. And I told you she was all over them?’
‘Yes,’ I say, feeling increasingly uneasy.
‘Well, it was true that they were there, but it was me she was all over. I was disgusted. You said when I told you about it the next day that I was pompous or something, but that’s why I said she was vile, because that night, she would have done anything… but not with them, with me.’
‘No, no. She was messing about, she didn’t mean it,’ I say trying to convince myself as much as him.
‘You really don’t know her, do you?’ he says, staring at