my voice reading from the script I’ve been mentally preparing all day.
‘Yes.’
‘And you didn’t even pop out?’ I feel like I’m the lawyer, sashaying around the court, questioning the defendant.
‘No. Darling, what is this?’
‘This? This is I know you did leave court, in fact you left Worcester. I saw you. In Pershore. With a woman.’
Silence.
His silence is proof he’s lied. But why is he lying to me?
I’m vaguely aware the threatened snow has begun to fall outside. Thick, swirling, twirling flakes. I think about the drive home. I think about Chloe Thomson and hope she’s okay tonight.
‘Oh God, Hannah, I should have told you,’ Alex says now.
‘Yes you should.’ My voice is croaky.
‘I’m not hiding anything from you,’ he murmurs.
‘It doesn’t look that way, Alex.’ I can barely hear my voice.
Silence, inside and out. No vehicle sounds from the street outside. The snow is covering the windows, as if someone’s thrown a big grey blanket over the world, smothering it into an eerie calm.
I’m waiting. I’m scared of what he’s going to say. I have to know, but I’m not sure I’m strong enough to hear it.
‘I didn’t want to tell you because, well, I didn’t want to scare you off. Can we talk? Properly? I want to see you.’
My throat constricts. No, no, not Alex.
‘Just tell me, who is she?’ I want to be sick.
‘It was Helen.’
‘I don’t know what to say.’ I’m confused and hurt and upset, I don’t know how to feel.
‘But – but you need to know everything,’ he says. ‘And when I tell you, I need to hold you, to explain everything carefully, so you don’t get the wrong idea.’
I desperately want to believe this is going to be okay, that Alex will come up with a perfectly innocent reason why he had lunch with his ex today and didn’t tell me. The ex he seemed to have a huge problem getting over, until quite recently. I don’t say a word, I just want to listen.
‘Hannah, please, you mean so much to me…’ His voice fades.
‘If I mean so much to you, why did you lie to me?’
Again the silence. I was hoping he’d laugh, simply dismiss my fears, tell me I’m being silly, that she was just a client, a colleague – whatever. I want him to convince me there’s nothing to worry about. But I am worried.
‘Meet me, Hannah, let’s talk.’
‘I don’t know.’ I sigh.
‘Please, I’m begging you, don’t throw away what we’ve got. There’s nothing to be jealous of, I promise.’
‘Jealous? This isn’t about me being jealous, I’m not a teenager. I can understand someone meeting up with an ex – but my problem with it is that you didn’t tell me.’
‘I… Let me meet you at yours,’ he says firmly.
‘No, I don’t want to meet at mine. But I do want to know what’s going on, so let’s go somewhere neutral, and then, if I don’t like what you have to say, I can just go.’
‘Okay, okay, whatever you want. But promise you’ll hear me out?’
‘I’ll try, but I’m promising nothing. Where shall we meet?’
I glance out of the window, it’s filling up with snow, covering everything in a sheet of white.
‘The wine bar on Foregate Street? Where we went on our first date?’ he says. ‘I can be there in five minutes.’
‘Okay, but you’re at my home, right? It’s at least ten minutes away by car, and it’s snowing, it’ll take you longer.’
‘Oh. Yeah… I’ll… Look, just wait at work for me.’
‘No, I’ll see you in the wine bar.’
‘Why can’t I just come to the office…?’
‘I have some work still to do, so text me when you get to the wine bar and I’ll leave then.’ It doesn’t really matter if he comes here or not, but I hate it that he sometimes tries to tell me what to do. He has this way of convincing me, browbeating me, in a nice way.
‘Why do you never want me at your office?’
‘It isn’t that I don’t want you at the office… I just want to be on neutral ground.’
‘You never want me there, what are you trying to hide?’
What’s he on about? I suddenly feel angry and defensive. ‘Alex! Really? It’s you who’s been hiding something, so please don’t try to deflect this onto me. I’ll see you in the wine bar in half an hour,’ I say firmly, putting down the phone, angry that he’s suggesting I have a reason for not letting him near my office. He’s always offering