up messes with your identity, and it’s hard to know where I fit in, even now.
Today has reminded me of a time when I was beginning to finally settle into a foster family. Mr and Mrs Rawson were kind and attentive and I dared to dream this might be my forever home. But when their only daughter came home from uni, I realised it was an impossible dream. She was their real child, it was her home, her family, not mine. I’d fooled myself I belonged there, compared to her I was no more than a piece of furniture in the house. They were all very nice, but they’d sometimes stop talking when I walked in a room, Mrs Rawson would take Shelly shopping for clothes, they’d go to the cinema together, and her Dad would take her to football matches. At first they invited me, sometimes, but I think it was easier for all of us when I stayed behind. They had a shared history, cousins, genes and blood – something I could never be part of. No one wanted to put in the effort of cajoling a child who didn’t belong to them. I slowly withdrew, eating alone in my room, not joining them on family days out, because I felt like an intruder – a cuckoo in the nest. I feel like that now. I learned at an early age that people break their promises, and however good I am, I’m never good enough to keep.
Whatever Alex might say, whatever his promises, the doubts have been planted. After all, he’s already lied to me, and with Helen back on the scene, I feel like there’s a timer ticking on our relationship.
Chapter Seventeen
Alex pulls away from me and sits up in bed, drawing in his knees and wrapping his arms around them protectively, his head down.
‘You okay?’ I ask gently.
‘Yeah,’ he says bitterly, clearly still thinking about Helen. ‘I gave her everything, you know, and she just walked out.’
‘Some people just don’t want to settle down,’ I offer, trying not to be catty, after all I’ve never met the woman, I can’t judge. ‘Tom was the same.’
‘And look where it got them. He’s sending poison pens and she’s begging to get back with me.’
‘Yeah, when you put it like that…’
He seems almost oblivious to my presence, as he stares ahead before speaking. ‘We hadn’t been married long, when she started taking her phone calls in another room, smiling at texts, talking about some guy at work all the time… Then she started going out. It was just once or twice a week at first, but then it was almost every night. Honestly, Hannah, I sat in our house alone nights on end, just waiting for her to come home, worried about her.’
The reference to ‘our house’ stings slightly as I’m reminded that he shared his home with someone else before me – his wife. But I’m aware he needs to get this off his chest, it’s important for us to be able to move forward.
‘I’d be calling and calling, wondering where she was, but she wouldn’t answer her phone, said she needed her space. She never let me know where she was. It was like she’d gone missing.’
‘Oh Alex, that sounds awful.’ I can’t believe how selfish and hurtful Helen had been.
‘Yeah. We’d bought that lovely house, had a brand-new kitchen fitted because she wanted it, filled the house with all her favourite stuff – that blue crockery cost a fortune.’ He sighs.
‘It’s beautiful,’ I say, thinking of the rustic, grey-blue chunky bowls I fell in love with on my first visit to his home. But he isn’t listening, it’s like he’s still back there with her.
‘I bought the velvet sofa she pined for, the power shower she couldn’t live without. I made sure she had everything she wanted, because all that mattered to me was her happiness.’
Despite his claims that he didn’t feel about her as he does about me, I don’t believe him, because that’s exactly what he’s like with me, constantly trying to make me happy, always giving me things. Little gifts on my pillow, a carton of my favourite pink champagne truffles in the larder. I left my favourite perfume at my place, so he bought another bottle to keep in his bathroom. He fills the house with pale pink roses, because they’re my favourite, and he even asked me the other day if I’m okay with the sofas.
‘If you’d like something else, we’ll