feel deeply, always have. That’s why it was difficult with Helen. Once I fall for someone, it’s forever.’
‘I get that, you’re committed and I love that in a partner. But you’re too much.’
‘I know, I know, I am. You’re not the first person to say that to me, but please don’t…’
‘I can’t do this, Alex.’ I hear my voice, and find it hard to believe. ‘I really love you, but what happened tonight…’
‘No, no please.’ He starts to cry and I feel so helpless.
‘Alex, I just think we need some time. I need space.’
He reaches out to me with both arms, and I find myself being held as he cries. I’m unable and unwilling to comfort him. I’m just numb.
‘I know I expect a lot from a partner. I think I need help, Hannah. I used to watch him hitting her, he used to bang her head against walls. I can still hear that thud; it makes me want to puke.’
‘What? Who are you talking about? I don’t understand. Alex?’
‘I can’t forgive myself, all those years she suffered, and I never did a thing.’
‘Your mum?’
He nods. ‘I’ve never told anyone… Me and my sister used to hide in the wardrobe when he started. Mum always told us to go there. I was very young; at first, I didn’t understand. But even as a little child, I could hear her screams, and later, my sister would bathe her wounds. Dad would act like nothing happened. He was a coward, and so am I.’
I didn’t know any of this, I didn’t even know he had a sister.
‘God, I regret what happened tonight, you’ve no idea. But when I saw him going towards you, I saw my mum, and all the times I didn’t save her.’
‘I had no idea. You said your mum died when you were nine.’
He nods. ‘Mum died of cancer.’ He pauses. ‘But he’s still around. I don’t speak to him, I’ve never forgiven him for what he did. My sister is a better person than me, she was able to move on, but I’m still so angry. She visits him now – and I don’t see her either. It was a lifetime ago, but if I saw him, I’d kill him.’
I look at him, and the look on his face causes a shiver to run down my spine.
‘Alex, don’t say that.’
‘I just want you to understand why tonight… happened. I feel terrible, I don’t know what to do, Hannah.’
‘We should contact the police, tell them what happened. You need help, Alex.’
He nods, and turns to me. ‘Will you help me, Hannah?’
He could have said anything else and I would have just walked away, but asking for my help is something that gets to the very core of me. I have always wanted to do the job I do because I want to help people. I can never turn down someone who’s suffering – and right now, Alex is suffering. What he did tonight was appalling, he lashed out without thinking, he was out of control, but he was urged on by the anger and pain of his childhood. He must have felt so helpless watching his father attack his mother, and he carries that and the guilt with him now, it explains why he is what he is. And apart from the pieces of him that reacted tonight and caused someone to be seriously hurt, I love who he is. And I don’t know if I will ever be able to walk away.
‘Will you stay tonight?’ he asks, his voice still croaky with tears. ‘I can’t be alone.’
I nod. ‘Yes, but we need to talk. I suddenly feel like I did when I found out about Helen. I’m seeing you from a different perspective. You have to tell me everything before we can even think about moving on, or staying together.’
‘But I have, you know everything about me now.’
‘I didn’t know about your childhood, or why you’re so overprotective of the people you love. We all find it hard to let go, but you held onto the idea of Helen coming back for a year, and even now I wonder.’
‘I’ve told you, I’d never want her back now, I have you.’
I sigh. ‘Stop the lying. I told you we can’t move on if you keep lying to me. The phone call I overheard. You were arranging to meet her, weren’t you?’
He starts to laugh. At first it’s a small laugh, then it gets bigger, more out of control. He