I was in high school, I was a scared kid.”
“What do you mean?”
“I was nothing like I am now. I had no confidence,” I said even though my confidence had tended to elude me more often than not lately. “I was terrified that everything I did would get back to my dad somehow that I literally did nothing but play baseball and sit at home with my mom. Granted, she was drunk most of the time.”
Her eyes pulled together. “I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t be.” I didn’t want Sunny’s pity, and I hated that look I saw in her eyes. “Don’t feel bad for me, Sunny. It is what it is. The hand I was dealt—or whatever you want to call it.”
“I can still think it sucks,” she bit back, her tone a contradicting mixture of defensive and soft.
“Yeah, you can think it sucks, but I can’t change the past. Anyway, when I got here, I was super naive. I thought I knew what to expect, but holy shit, I had no idea.”
She kicked her leg back out as she reached for a blanket hanging over the back of the couch that I hadn’t even noticed before and wrapped herself in it like a burrito. “Do you want one?” she asked, already moving to stand up.
“No, I’m good.”
“ ’K. Go on. In what way were you surprised?”
How can I word what I mean exactly and not make it come out wrong?
“The girls. I had no idea that it would be like this. I mean, I’d heard things, but I always thought they were an exaggeration or blown out of proportion. There was no way the things that I’d been told about this school could be real.”
“Honestly, someone should come here and conduct a study on female behavior and the baseball team. I’m sure their minds would be blown.”
“Right? At home, the girls all thought I was weird, and they stayed clear of me. It’s because I never went out or did anything social. But here, all anyone knew about me was that I was on the baseball team. And apparently, that was all it took. That was all I needed to be some big man on campus without even doing a damn thing. It was exhilarating for someone like me.”
“I still can’t picture you being some antisocial homebody,” she said, like the idea was purely comical and unbelievable.
“You can’t even imagine it?”
“No.” A laugh escaped. “I see you like this”—she waved her hand toward me—“running the show. Making all the decisions. You have rules for the girls in your life, Mac. RULES! That’s not someone who isn’t confident or cocky as hell.”
“Rules because I’m insecure and scared to death,” I admitted a little too quickly, and it was too late to take it back.
“Hard to believe.” She shook her head, and I knew it was because she was so inherently honest. And when you were that kind of a person, you thought that everyone else was too. If you told the truth, you assumed everyone told the truth.
“Anyway, when I got here, I was completely overwhelmed by all the attention. I met Hayley really early on in the semester. Pretty much right away. I couldn’t believe that a girl who looked like that was even giving me the time of day,” I said before feeling like I’d put my foot in my mouth. “I don’t mean anything by that, Sunny. I think you’re gorgeous, and I don’t know why you’re talking to me either.”
“Stop it.” She put up her hand. “I know this isn’t about me right now. I’m not taking it personally, I promise. Go on.”
“I couldn’t believe that she wanted me. Hayley could probably have any guy on campus—or in Los Angeles for that matter—and here she was, choosing me. I was so dumbstruck by her looks. How beautiful I thought she was. And how genuine. I really thought she loved me. I believed all her lies,” I said, feeling like an idiot all over again.
“So, what happened? How did things end?”
I thought back to the day. I still remembered every detail vividly. It was burned into my memory, pictures I wished I could erase but knew I never would. They’d always linger somewhere in the back of my mind, waiting to come out and ruin my day whenever I was inadvertently triggered.
“I was a freshman. We already had a starting first baseman, but I still played a few innings sometimes. I had a bad game. Played like I’d never