on Main,” she said, and I knew exactly where she meant. It was the only bookstore in town. “I was the event planner there. I set up signings for all the local and visiting authors. I was the one who got all the big-name writers to come to town and hold events here. It was a really significant deal at the time, and I was so proud.”
“Did he make you stop?” I asked, wondering if DD had forced her to give up her job once I came along.
“No, but I couldn’t keep working there full-time and take care of you.” She stood up from the chair, grabbed a glass, and filled it with water.
“People do it all the time,” I said even though there was no point. That part of our history had come and gone, and it couldn’t be changed now. My tone of voice sounded way more judgmental than I’d wanted it to. She was going to get defensive if I made her feel stupid or bad about it.
“You’re right. But I didn’t want to. I wanted to be home with you. And your father agreed and supported that decision. He wasn’t always the way he is now. He used to be kind,” she started to defend him, but I didn’t want to hear it. “I wouldn’t have fallen in love with a monster,” she added.
I realized that I’d been seeing him that way for years without even considering that he used to be someone else. But the truth was, I didn’t care.
It was hypocritical of me to accept the reasons why my mom had changed but not want to do the same for my dad, but it was how I felt. I couldn’t give a shit if he had once been a decent human being because he was no longer that person. All that mattered to me now was who he had become. He seemed to relish in being cruel.
“Mom, you don’t want me to work for him, do you?” I had no idea why I’d asked that particular question in this particular moment.
And I could tell that she was caught off guard.
“I don’t. But only because you don’t want that. I just want you to be happy.”
“Have you ever told him that? Have you ever tried to make him see reason?” I asked, desperate for her to be on my side for once. I needed her to fight for me because it wasn’t working on my own.
She sat back down next to me and reached for my hand. “Oh, honey. It took everything in my power to convince him to let you go to Fullton State. That was one hell of an argument that went on for weeks,” she said before looking right into my eyes. “I just don’t have any fight left in me for anything else. And he wouldn’t allow it anyway.”
It was my mom who convinced my dad to let me go and play baseball there? All this time, I’d had no idea how it’d happened. I always thought she was sitting here, drunk, feeding me to the fire, but she was trying to save me from it.
“Mom”—I shook my head as I gripped her hand—“you don’t have to stay here. You can leave. Come back to California with me. You can stay with Sunny. She’d love it.”
She looked away from me and pulled her hand from mine. “I’m not ready to do that, Mac. I appreciate what you’re saying. It’s sweet. But I’m not quite there.”
Even though I hated her response, it was honest. She could have placated and fed me some bullshit line, but she hadn’t. She’d told me the truth, and I had to respect that.
The sound of one of the garages opening caused us both to stop talking and stare at each other in silence. DD was home.
Story time was officially over.
Merry Christmas to Me
Mac
I
’d revel in all the information my mom had shared with me the other day as I took long drives in my car. I never had a particular destination in mind. I simply liked being on the road, driving. Something I never got to do in California. Plus, it might be shallow, but I really missed my fucking car.
With the windows down, the music blasting, and my mom’s words in my ears, I would think about why it had taken us so long to have that conversation. Maybe it was because she was sober-ish or because I was finally old enough to listen instead of