my heart physically ached with his words. “And then whenever I saw you, I felt dumb and ashamed and embarrassed. And I thought that was all you saw when you looked at me too.”
Good Lord. This guy … is … killing … me.
Mac closed his eyes before blinking a few times. “Some dumb, weak guy who practically cried on the phone with you one night because he hadn’t gotten drafted and he felt sorry for himself.”
“Mac,” I said his name, and my voice cracked. I was getting emotional. “I never, not once, thought of you or saw you that way. Being able to talk about your emotions is a strength, not a weakness. Any guy can shove his emotions down and pretend they aren’t feeling them, but it takes a bigger man to admit when he’s sad or not okay. I got off the phone with you that night, knowing I had never felt closer to anyone in my life.”
“Really?” he asked, sounding completely surprised.
“I’d never wanted you more,” I admitted, feeling vulnerable and embarrassed myself. Being this honest was more than a little terrifying.
He softly shook his head, like this was almost too far-fetched for him to comprehend. “I figured you were as repulsed by me as I was.”
Oh dear. My poor, sweet, broken boy.
Colin was right. Mac needed fixing. Or maybe he just needed some good old-fashioned loving.
“Can we change the subject?” he asked, and I knew that I’d do anything Mac needed me to in that moment. He was hurting, and I wanted to stop it. “Just for a little bit.”
I’d had no idea that tonight would go this direction, but I didn’t want it to end. I’d never been in this position with a guy before, having conversations that felt like they were life-changing somehow. I hadn’t had a serious boyfriend since high school. Looking back, I realized that relationship hadn’t been half of what this was, and Mac and I weren’t even together.
“Yep. What should we talk about instead?” I shifted on the bed and tried to think up another topic of conversation that might make him more comfortable and lighten the mood.
“Why’d you pick silver?” he asked, reaching out for my hair and running his fingers through it.
“I liked the way it looked on the box. It was either this or this really pretty ice blue. Maybe I’ll do that next.” I smiled.
“Don’t. Keep it silver forever. I’m obsessed. It’s my new favorite color.”
“Oh yeah?” I asked with a smile.
“Definitely. What’s yours?”
“My what?”
“Favorite color. I told you mine. What’s yours?”
“Yellow,” I blurted out before I said it was the color of his eyes when the light hit it or something equally as embarrassing.
He smiled. “Of course it’s yellow. The color of the sun. Just like your name. Just like you. All bright, happy, and warm.”
I held my breath and pretended like his response hadn’t just shocked the hell out of me when he gave me his answer, “Aside from your hair color, my other favorite color’s blue. But not like baby blue or the crayon. Dark blue. Like the ocean in places where it’s really deep. You know what I mean?”
Leave it to Mac to give a complicated answer.
“ ‘The ocean in places where it’s really deep,’ ” I repeated, my mind conjuring up an image of a deep-sea fishing trip I’d tagged along on with my dad once before. I remembered seeing the varying shades of blue in the water and thinking how incredible it was that the ocean could look so different from one side of the boat to the other. “It suits you. That color.”
“Does it?” he said, his mind still somewhere else, and I wanted to pull him back into the room with me. I was thinking how to do just that when he asked out of nowhere, “What do you want to do?”
“Huh? Like right now or when I grow up?” I arched a brow toward him, and he gave me a crooked smile.
“When you grow up,” he said in a teasing tone that I found myself enjoying even though I hated the answer I was about to give him. “What do you want to be?”
I swallowed hard, wondering if he’d look at me differently once I admitted the truth. “I don’t know,” I said with a shrug.
“Really? You don’t?” He sounded so surprised, and it made me feel like some sort of disappointment to someone other than myself.
“No. Why does that surprise you so much?” I asked a