Vince had even suggested hiring a midget stripper, which might make me a little less jealous, in which I had even more stringently denied him of even thinking about booking.
In the end, Vince and I had agreed that a barge overnighter with the lads would be the best sort of stag-do for my Callum. I was being honest. My fiancé likes hanging out with his mates and he’s always wanted to do that boat thing ever since going on a similar break with his mates while at college, all those years ago.
“That’s Vince though, honey.” I whinge back at my fiancé now. “We’re not going to be grinding wheels into any mud, now are we?”
“Exactly!” Brenda smiles hugely. “Emily is on board. You’ll love it, son.”
“Aw mum, you’re right. Of course I’ll love it.” Callum gives his mum a kiss on the cheek. It figures she’s been able to convince him so easily. All it ever takes is a bit of persistence on Brenda’s part and my fiancé readily agrees, as per.
Oh well. It’s not like I’m complaining. I really want to do this couples orienteering thing. It sounds like great fun and it will enable me to keep up my strict exercise regime of late. I was feeling a bit down after yesterday’s bridal fitting disaster, but with this mountain hiking opportunity I get to pick myself right back up again.
“Thanks, Brenda.” I too give Callum’s mum a peck on the cheek. “This is exactly what we need.”
My fiancé smiles at me and so does his mum who’s face has gone a bright shade of red. “Well, if I had known I’d get this much love I would have signed you two up for orienteering ages ago!”
After my soon-to-be-mother-in-law has gone, Callum and I get ready for our day outdoors together.
“Have you worn these recently, honey?” Turning away from the wardrobe in our bedroom, I glance at my fiancé who’s holding up his rather stretched out pair of old school socks.
“Errm.” I reply hesitantly. “I did, yes.”
Callum frowns. “Either you’ve got longer legs than I remember, or these things went up past your knees when you had them on.”
I’m simply not going to tell my fiancé the real reason for the new length his socks have become. He never believes me when I tell him I’m being stalked anyway. If I did confess to nearly breaking my wrist weights over a teenage boy’s head, by use of the very socks he’s now holding, he’d think he was engaged to an absolute lunatic.
“Well,” I say, opening my dressing gown. “Are you sure you know the length of my legs, lover?”
That’s done the trick of changing the subject. Callum has dropped his old school socks onto the floor. He closes the distance between us and runs his capable hand up my thigh. Just when I think he’s about to quip snarkily about his wrongness in my leg length, my fiancé surprises me by looking quite frowny faced in concentration.
“You really are losing weight, Em.”
“Thanks!”
“I didn’t mean that as a compliment.”
He didn’t? “Well, I take it as a compliment anyway.”
I’m starting to think I know why all the wedding dresses at Lara’s bridal shop hadn’t fit me right. They were mostly all too big. Although, a lot of them were also too small. I really need to have a word with Lara when I see her again. It doesn’t look like I’ll be going in for a dress fitting today though. It also doesn’t seem like I’m going to be getting any orienteering done if my randy fiancé has his way.
“Stop.” I playfully bat his groping hands away. “We have to get ready for couples orienteering.”
“I’ll orienteer you straight into bed!”
Despite the badness of my fiancé’s recent pun, I give in. So we’ll be a bit late for our outdoor experience. It’s not too important considering myself and my affianced have more important orienteering of our own to do right about now.
I blame Callum for my mind wandering towards bad punnery, but he blitzes silly thoughts from my mind as he whisks me back into bed for the second time in one morning.
***
“I can’t believe they wouldn’t let us keep our phones.” I grumble as Callum and I make our way in hiking boots over rugged, hilly terrain.
“Surely that would be defeating of the purpose, my darling.”
Rolling my eyes skywards yields the underside of the tree canopy. It’s practically dark in this thick forest. “Are you saying I’d cheat and use my