behind her.
“I’ll manage, dear.” Brenda pats the back of my hand. “Besides, I’m always kitted up for a workout, just in case. After all, if you’re always dressed ready to sweat you’ll always be burning the fat!”
Jeez, enough emphasis on always?
She pokes my arm.
I’m caught off guard by her actions so I didn’t have time to tense my muscles. My arm fat wobbles a bit and I grit my teeth to try and keep myself from saying something I might later regret.
“So what do you think of the bridal suite?” Georgina splays her hand as we enter the sumptuous boudoir.
“It’s a bit small.” Brenda wanders towards the bay window, mumbling complaints to herself as she looks around the room. “By the way, Emily. I’ve contacted your photographer cousin, Nicola.”
She what now?
“She’s offered to do my mother of the groom photo sitting for free! Isn’t she a dear.”
Oh for fuck sake. I’ll have to remind myself to ring up Nicola once I get out of here. I dread to think what Brenda might have said to my photographer cousin in order to get her to agree to a free photo sitting. I mean, my cousin does have her own business to run. She can’t go giving out free photo shoots to just anyone. She’s not even doing my wedding photos for free, and I’d never expect her to. I decide here and now to pay for sneaky Brenda’s photo sitting myself. To be honest, I don’t know why the mother of the groom feels she needs her own personal photo shoot anyway, but that’s Brenda for you.
The woman does as she pleases.
Finally, we’re shown around the exquisite gardens of the Mortsbaton Court grounds. As we near the streamlined moat Brenda fires off questions to Georgina about the estate’s history.
“You know, Brenda,” I say, nearly losing my cool. “You can always go to the Mortsbaton Court website later.”
“The internet is for lazy sods.” She waves off my idea with a flourish of hand. A hand that I’m going to stay far away from, lest she feels the need to poke her point home into any of the more blubbery parts of my anatomy.
Thankfully, Georgina offers a reprieve. “Tea, ladies?”
“Yes please!” I stomp away through the grass a bit too exuberantly.
“Oh, Emily, no it’s here.”
I turn around when I hear Georgina’s instructions and I’m not at all surprised to see there’s a robot floating up next to her.
Smacking my forehead, I try to mask my frustration by pushing my hand through my hair.
“Is something the matter, Emily?” Georgina asks me kindly.
“Oh no,” I say, staying right where I am as Brenda takes a teacup from the robot’s tray. “I just… I think I’ll wait to have tea later.”
I’m not moving an inch closer to the penguin shaped bot that’s holding a tray. I suppose the owners of this place thought a little butler penguin robot would be cute, but I know better. I know how often Oliver’s bots malfunction.
“That thing won’t be around at my wedding, will it?” I point at the offending mechanical penguin.
“Not if you don’t wish it to be.” Georgina frowns. “This little guy has been such a help around here though, I’m amazed at what Oliver’s robots can do.”
Amazed is one word for it. Terrifying is how I’d describe my robotic encounters of late.
“This tea is acceptable,” Brenda interjects. “You should really try some, Emily. I think you need to relax.”
I need to relax? Says the woman dressed for a twenty-four/seven workout-a-thon.
“Yes, try some, Emily.” Georgina talks to the robot and slowly but surely the mechanical thing floats toward me. The only problem is that once it reaches me its speed suddenly increases.
“Oh no!” I cry out at the same time Georgina screams.
It’s too late, I’m already catching air beneath my feet as I trip, fall, and plummet into the moat below.
***
I come up from under the surface of the water spluttering. I don’t even open my eyes before I’m shouting my lungs out. “Don’t let that fucking penguin fall into the water!”
Finally, I wipe my eyes and I can see that I’m safe from electrocution. Georgina has tackled the robot and together with Brenda’s efforts the two women are keeping the berserk penguin from following me into the moat water.
Swimming for my life I paddle towards the nearest bank, which just so happens to lead off the pebbled car park. I honestly can’t believe this is happening to me again as I crawl up onto dry land.
Gasping, I