her own skin and sucking out her fat through a garden hose.
I know what will cheer me up. More bridal treatments at Tina’s salon.
***
“Emily!” Stacy squeals at me as I enter the salon. “You’re a celebrity!” She rustles the local newspaper at me that’s opened to the page I’m featured on. I’m just hoping she hasn’t seen the online version of the photoshoot as well. I came here to escape the article’s comments and already I’m being accosted with the very thing I’m trying to avoid.
“Emily?” My name is screeched again, but not in a pleasant manner. I look up to see Tina coming out of the back rooms. “Thanks for mentioning us in the paper, but what are you doing here again?”
She’s right, I had mentioned her in the newspaper article because she’d done my hair so beautifully. Funny, there wasn’t any mention in the online comments about how lovely my hair had looked. Not that I’d expect any sort of kindness from absolute trolls. Why does it seem that the internet is only used by people all under the age of twelve? Or with personalities that are stuck in a childish time warp no matter how aged they become.
“Shoo, you silly bot!” Tina makes waving motions with her hands at her salon trolley shaped robot that’s just floated into the room. “Um, what was it you said you needed, Emily?”
“I wanted to try some semi-permanent eyelash extensions.”
Tina is now leaning against her robot in attempts at pushing it away.
“Is that thing trying to get me?”
“What?” Tina replies, looking nervous. “Don’t be silly, Emily. Why would you think that?”
“Oh I don’t know,” I say, edging around the reception desk. “If that thing had eyes I’d swear it’s giving me evils.” I really don’t get these bots, or their owners. I have a sneaking suspicion something funny is going on around here.
“Stacy!” Tina suddenly shouts. “Stacy will apply your false lashes, Emily. No problem!” She pushes hard on the robot before I can get to close. With the bot behind her, just like yesterday, she shoves it into the back office of the salon.
“Have a seat, Emily!” Stacy smiles and indicates a chair that looks like it belongs in a dental clinic.
Oh well I suppose I’ll have to be laid back with my eyes closed in order for her to apply the false lashes. And that’s exactly what I’m told to do. When I’m situated Stacy does indeed tell me to close my eyes.
“So you’ve never had falsies before?”
Falsies? “No, I haven’t.”
“Well, don’t worry, it only stings for a short while.
It stings? Shit. I suddenly find myself having second thoughts about this entire process. But no, I must sit and bear it if I’m going to make my eyes beautiful for my wedding day. Besides, a bit of pain will help me to further take my mind off the stupid newspaper troll comments.
“Just relax and close your eyes.” Stacy instructs me to lie back in the chair. I’m a bit nervous as my eyelids flutter shut. “Here’s a tissue, just in case.”
Just in case what? I feel her stuff a tissue into my hand that’s resting atop my belly.
Stacy begins the lash lengthening process. It feels like she’s barely touching my lashes. This doesn’t hurt at all, it actually tickles.
“Whatever you do, don’t squeeze your eyes shut when it starts to—”
“Stings!” I squeal over Stacy’s words. “It stiiiiiiiiiiings!” The liquid lash adhesive has gotten into my eyes. What if my lids get glued together? Gripping the chair arms in a vice like grip with my fingers, I breathe in making hissing sounds through my teeth.
“Use the tissue, Emily. Your eyes are tearing up a bit.”
A bit? The copious amounts of water leaking from my eyes isn’t just a bit. I’m positively weeping because this process hurts so much.
“You know what they say.” Stacy giggles. She actually giggles and has no concern for my pain. “No pain, no gain!”
I’m not even sure if the girl is referring to the torture she’d inflicted upon my scalp yesterday, or if she’s already forgotten that and doesn’t give two hoots of an owl about how much agony she’s causing my eyeballs today!
At what the cost of beauty? Dammit! Why does fifteenth century prose always chose the most inopportune moments to sail through my distressed thoughts? Maybe it’s a subconscious calming method. I’ve got no choice but to sit here and deal with the stinging sensations that are exploding my eyes.
“It will all be worth